My Horse/Myself
LitleSiss@aol.com

I'm going to start this with a poem I wrote, as it shows how AS affected me (mind, body, and spirit) Because I'm a lover of animals I relate myself to them and them to me in a lot of what I write.

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Some where along the big wide track, I slipped and went of course
Broke my leg and hurt my back
Please shoot your poor lame horse
No longer can I give the rides
That made you feel so free
No longer can I stand by your side
And be what you want me to be
No longer can I walk with pride
Or run that extra mile
No longer can I take my strides
With the perfection of my style
No longer can I run with the wind
Blowing through my mane
No longer can I run like the wind without feeling the pain
So if you choose to set me free
You'll choose to use your gun
Put me out of misery
For a horse was born to run!

I wrote this quite some time ago when the AS was kicking in big time. I look back at it now and then to show myself just how far I've come along. As you've probably guessed, this horse was me. It took a lot of courage, strength, and years of training to become what I had become and all of a sudden came along the hurt, the pain, and the shame.

I could no longer be what everyone wanted me to be and felt totally useless, as a horse would feel without a leg. I no longer felt I had the beauty and strength that I once had and would rather die than continue on with the pain, and the shame that comes along with the feeling of uselessness. I look back on it now and I see how I have regained my inner strength and pride and although not back in the race yet...I'm alive and have many good friends in my life who have helped me along. I have been shown that I'm just as good as I ever was, and in some ways even better. But the biggest lesson I learned is... Never give up on myself.

I am a 36-year-old mother of two. Married with a wonderful husband who tells me he still would of married me even if he knew then was waiting around the corner. My children for the longest time could not understand what was happening with their mom. One day I was full of energy without too much pain, then in bed for a week unable to move. Kind of hard to explain it to children when you don't understand it yourself, but my children didn't complain too much and stuck by me with love and sensitivity. I'm no longer able to work...an optician is on their feet all day and my body could no longer handle it.

I have to say through all of this though, what keeps me going is the love I have for many, and the love I have learned to have for myself. Positive thinking is the way to go. It takes a while to learn this...AS can really bring you down. But ask for the help and reach out your hand when some one offers you theirs. We are not perfect... Only One is, and He put others on this earth for that reason... So we can all be there for one another.

Take Care,
Lisa (Litlesiss)