Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group Worries

Johnny,

The first time I lost someone real close I hid for ages, she was a very special person who simply fell off a cliff, tragic!

It was only when I put my hand up for help it seemed to improve. When my son passed away I was determined not to go through the same hell and I saw one. It worked as long term it has helped me cope with a very damaged ex wife and to give my children a more normal life.

It also helped me to reassess and understand the relationships within my own family. I also learnt that being caught up in all the "drama" does n't help one move on.

When "you" move on you can't expect everyone else to be in the same "moved on" state.

You learn patience is the key. Time does help heal.

My experience is that a bereavement is much harder to deal with when you are suffering from a severe and chronic condition. It may well be that the difficulties others are facing is that they have unrealistic expectations of you. It's a real battle to keep going for some time.

Anger is part of the grief process, and lots flies around but it is a sign that things are progressing. The one's to watch for "is lack of emotion or feeling" and brittleness.

Take it easy,

David

PS the pyschologist was far better than the Anti-D's.....

I really feel for you during this time. I went thru similar times about ten years ago. My father died of cancer and just when I thought the sun was going to shine again my childhood friend since I was 13 died suddenly of arrythymia. I really didnt want to go on and I was constantly praying to die. I really did consider the worse but luckily I didnt act on it. It took a good year before I could see any light or reason to live but I finally did. It is all grieving and however long you need to grieve and cry for your momma do it, and do it your way. Seems like alot of people think that after the funeral and a few months go by that you should get on with your life but that aint it. I still morn and cry cause I miss them but at least Im not crying all day long now. It still hurts but I know I will see them someday so I will have to wait.You will miss her forever but I know she will want you to wait your turn, and she will be waiting. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself better and take care, Connie

Just some reaction and not necessarily advice. First when my Dad had a stroke 7-8 years ago. He was incapacitiated for 6 months and never was the same. He did not die and yet I essentially "emotionally lost" that year after his stroke.

The shock of your loss is unique to you and no matter how hard you try to funciton now or how well you appear it is a huge shock and the emotional loss will take time no matter how you try so don;t let anyone belittle or rush you to accept the change.

Second , if you give up bowling because you brother in law is now in your league I am coming down there with Bruno and friends of his to open a can of whoop-AS on you. Do not give up your bowling. Ignore him and knock down some pins and kick his teams' butt every chance you can. Healthy revenge.

As others here have said call me anytime. I'll PM my work and home number. Please feel free to use them. Or even better meet me in the chat room here some nights. I used to hang in there with LC(John). I miss BS'ing with him about important stuff and nothing at all or having other folks chime in too. It 'd be filling a void I have. Just a notion and somewhat selfish on my part.

 
stevec-they also serve who stand and wait

Johnny: I am so sorry that you are in such a funk over lifes problems.I went through it when my dad died in 87.We were close.He was a great mechanic having had a career in the early helicopters 15 years and his last 11 years working on the development of armoured personnel carriersand tanks.He helped me building hot rods and boats and encouraged me in my college career in machining and manufacturing engineering.His mom was killed in a tornadoe in southern Missouri at only age 62 .He told me he made a mistake of drinking over it for a couple of years.I did the same.The point is maybe you need to expand your horizons.If you are not totally disabled by AS maybe you might try traveling or perhaps taking a sabatical where you you might go elsewhere and work for a year to enhance your carreer.Going somewhere else might expose you to new people and possibly woman or specifically the one that make a major change in your life.Maybe you could go elsewhwere for an advanced degree in you field.Did you ever consider teaching college?A change of seen might just be the ticket.Maybe a big city would be a change,Florida is not far ,Maybe California or New York etc.Make some changes and you will meet woman .PM me ,I would be delighted to give you my number and lets get you heading upwards and outwards ! Best wishes
Kev

Edited by Frunobulax on 01/28/04 01:28 AM (server time).

I have some experience in what you are talking about, after Rick died I felt totally alone, despite the fact I have a large and loving family it wasn't the same as having a husband, a good marriage for 27 years, and then a sudden death. The first six months of losing a loved one is a fog of grief, there just aren't any easy answers. You can rant and rave when you're alone - - I did that and oddly enough it helped. I was angry at being left, which I found out was a totally normal reaction to what seems like desertion. As far as practical help, there are some good grief groups that hospice runs, you could check into that. Another thing that helped was I got involved in a volunteer activity, guardian ad litem, representing kids in the court system, helping out the kids took my mind off myself a bit. There is no magic bullet, though, the loneliness and grief is a rite of passage after the death of someone you love. And of course you have all of us And exercise! When you feel like you're at the end of your tether, snap on a leash and take one or both of your doggies for a brisk walk. Sounds stupidly simple but I walked off a lot of those bad feelings, when I least felt like doing it was when I needed to do something physical the most. Beware of on line grief support groups, I found them to be more of a downer than helpful. But check out hospice! No one will think you're whining, for everyone there has lost a loved one and is trying to cope with the loss.

((((hugs))))

Cheryl

If you can't be a good example you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
Jennifer Cruisie

Dogs don't care how much money you make

Dear Johnny, As far as I am concerned your sharing is not whining. Sometimes getting your thoughts out helps you find some relief. I have never been physically alone, but there are times when it is just too hard to explain how I feel. Then I am mentally alone. At least that's what it seems. The best thing to do is reach out otherwise who will know.I can barely read my own mind, much less anyone else's. So share away and hopefully along with that will come some healing of the heart.
You have shared things in here that have helped me tremendously. I will pray and you can share, how's that? Lots of love, Nancy

Johnny,
I don't know you but I have read your posts during your mother's illness and death. I would like to offer my sympathy and concern and prayers.
I think grief is very individual, everyone does it their own way. There is no easy way to go through this, but just know that it will get better. For awhile it will turn your world upside down and make it seem like you have no control. Then one day you will suddenly realize you are feeling better. Expressing yourself is critical and I am glad you have a safe place with many friends here.
You have gotten lots of good advice here already but I would like to add a little. I agree with Cheryl.....when you are ready try to find a way to work with others. Guardian ad litem is a great idea. Have you thought about being a big brother? Your experience and wisdom might make a world of difference to a child.
As for your family.....just keep your distance and go about your normal business (including bowling) until you feel better. One of my favorite relatives is married to my cousin. She isn't a blood relative. Last time we were together she said "there is a family you are born into...and a family you choose and I choose you". I feel the same way about her. You can have chosen families who are every bit as important as birth families....and it looks like you have one here. I have a feeling that some day your nieces will want to see you again, just wait until the turmoil of grieving has subsided.

Good luck to you.

Joan

Johnny,

Whilst I cannot fully comprehend what you've been through in the last few months having not been through the same journey myself, you cannot find anywhere else where people are so ready and willing to listen.

So, don't stop at calling nationally, go for international too! I mean, if you're up late one night chances are we're just starting a new day over here!

Maybe make a plan to call one new person a week - even for a few minutes - PM me and I'll be your first in the UK if you haven't already done so!

Take it easy Johnny,

Jo

Ditto what has been said by others Johnny. You are a family member here at Kickas and you are a vital member of the family. Pick up the phone and give me a call if you need to talk with someone. I have been working quite a few hours, but I will PM you my work and home numbers.

Kickas came through for me last summer and I received calls from several people.... I appreciated that immensely when I was in pretty low spirits... it does help.

Tim

Hope is only a post away with KickAS.

Oh Johnny I think the saddest thing you wrote was that you felt you are all alone. I hope you'll never feel completely alone with all of us here who care about you. So many people here have already showed you they care and want to help if possible. Trust in that friendship and gain whatever strength you can from it. Don't worry about giving back anything right now. You've done that for so many in the past and you'll do it again when your stronger. True friendship/love should always be unconditional. No one really knows how you feel and what you are going through. No one including yourself knows how long it will take for you to grieve over losing your wonderful mom. Your heart is broken and rightly so. Be kind and gentle to you and time will ease all pain. Don't lose hope.

There is always music amongst the flowers in the garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it.

peace & love
Kathy





"The most beautiful stones have been tossed by the wind and washed by the waters and polished to brilliance by life's strongest storms."