Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group Don't Want to Get Depressed

I don't want to get depressed. But I feel it coming. I have tried to be so proactive in keeping my head up, but I'm afraid I'm running out of energy. It has been almost five months since I lost my mom, and I really can't believe it. I have gone full steam ahead the entire time. I mean I haven't stopped. I have worked every waking hour that I have been alone, because I know, not like the old saying goes that "idle hands are the devil's workshop," but in my case, an idle mind is the breeding ground for sadness and depression. So I have gardened, worked in my house, anything I could do to keep busy. But I'm afraid that I'm running out of steam. I'm so tired, physically from all the hard work and this screwed up body, and mentally from trying to wear a thick skin and always being on guard against the sadness.

I started feeling the depression coming on yesterday, and I looked around my house and it just made me sick. I have worked like a dog to keep it neat and clean, and there was the sink overflowing with dirty dishes, the garbage overflowing, the floors needing mopping and vacuuming, a stack of bills to be paid; just everyday things that we all have to deal with, but it just got to me so bad that I went straight to my computer and played a game for 6 hours straight. Not a very productive evening, needless to say. But I just am so tired that I don't want to work anymore. I really don't. I'm sick of working like a slave for what? It's not like I have anyone to share my home with. It's not like anyone cares if the dishes are done and the floors cleaned. I walk for hours in my yard looking at all my shrubbery and trees and flowers, but I don't have anyone to walk with me, to say oh, the weigelia is starting to bloom out, the azaleas look lovely, I can't wait to see the new lilacs in bloom. I have a large amount of pride, especially for the son of a drunk car salesman, but is not pride unshared pure and simple vanity? I don't want to be vain. I can just see myself crippled by arthritis, alone, hateful, and vainly talking to my roses like they are my children. Sickening.

So how can I stop this now, before I fall into that pit. I have been starting to get things together to start writing my first novel. My greatest goal in life has alway been to be a published novelist, and I have two very good ideas for books (at least I think so). But, to be honest, and if you have read any of my poetry you will know what I mean, I put so much of my heart and soul into my writing that I'm a little afraid to really dive into the creative process for fear of finding myself caught in the storyline and unable to escape. Also, there is so much to do that time is really an issue as well. Writing takes a lot more time than playing some Sim game on a computer, and you see where that got me yesterday. I guess the best thing is just to get my feet back on the ground and get back to the grindstone, no matter how tired I am. I can't think about anything serious, or I am doomed. So it is best to just keep going. But I am oh so tired, so tired. My back is killing me today. I feel like I've been run over by a monster truck. If anyone has any suggestions, please share them. You can see what I'm up against, and I don't want pity, but I do want things to get better and I don't want to get depressed.

Johnny

Johnny, I think everyone hits the wall of grief at some point. Keeping busy during such a difficult time seems like the best thing to do. Just keep yourself from thinking about the reality of your situation. Problem is that the situation doesn't go away. It stays there, boxed up, waiting to be dealt with. I'm not surprised that you're feeling depressed, lovey. Between your health problems, doctors being idiots and your mom dying, you've been through the mill.

I don't know what to suggest for you, John. I certainly wish I had an answer for you. All I can think is that maybe this is your brain's way of telling you that it's time for you to look at your emotions, accept them and learn to let them go. Or maybe I'm full of it.

As for your garden, I know how you feel about having no-one to share it with. I live alone too. But the thing is that this is your garden. It's your creation. It brings you joy and peace. Allow it to help you find those things in yourself now. Use your garden to expend some of the depressed energy by using it to create something beautiful. I have a feeling you won't be alone in it forever.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, Johnny.

Many hugs,

Kat

Hi Johnny,
I have read your posts now for months, and to be honest I think you are allready clinically depressed. It is very common, and I know for me after my dad died and I inherited my Alzeimer's mom, I worked like a slave trying to keep busy. I painted and cleaned everything insite in their home. I remember I went through my dad's clothes and put them out the following week and then I just kept going. I too thought this would help take away the deep ache in my heart, but all it did was exhaust me and I held my feelings in.All I did each day was go to my mom's home and work and look after her ,then I would go home about eight at night. My brother was there at night. It was a horrible time. I finally P completely broke down after two years of doing this and I got professional help for me, and we had a family meeting and deceided to hire help to look after my mom.I was put on to Effexor and it worked well, but the best thing about it was the reduction of pain I was having from the A/S and Neuropathic pain.I am know so greatful that I finally broke down as this medication helped me with the physical pain as well as the emotional.I too was very close to my dad and the last six months he lived I somewhat took the role of his wife with regards to going to all the appts and hearing all the negative news(pancreatic cancer)It really took a toll on me. We placed my mom permanently into a home last July and we have all been the better of it. This occurred becuase my brother broke down, which even surprised me!He wasn't sleeping at night because he was always listening to make sure my mom was asleep and not wondering around or god forbid outsided of the house. I am just trying to make you see that the emotion your going through is normal, but true depressive symptoms are not, and they need to be taken seriously.I remember just wisahing I could go and be with my dad,and even thinking how I could accomplish this.Please talk to your doctor and see what his or her suggestions might be.

Yours Truly,
Janet

I don't want to sound argumentative or mean. I may be clinically depressed, but there isn't any councelling or medicine in the world that can bring my mother back. And until I find someone who can at least help fill some of the void left by losing the rock and anchor of my life, well, no doctor can help either. Unless, of course, they happen to be a pretty female doctor who wouldn't mind having an AS patient for a husband.

Hi Johnny,
I wasn't implying that, and I am sorry .WHat I meant was, I know there was no way I would have met anyone in the state I was in. WHo wants to be with a depressive tearful female.It just seemed to open up the windows of my life and I could get on with my life as my dad would have wanted me too. I started looking at things in a different light.I realized that I was on this earth for a reason and I needed to offer something to others.I started volunterring at a adult learning centre and realized I had lots to give others and that made me feel worth something again. The grief I felt and still feel was now manageable, that's all I am telling you. We all have to go through this process and you need to find what suits you the best, this was only my experience and mine alone.

Sincerely,
Janet

I, too, have been reading your posts, and you might be borderline depressed, but the timing is right. With great loss we go through cycles of depression that can be as intense as clinical depression without having the actual chemical imbalance.

Please don't misunderstand me...but until you can count on yourself for the anchoring and grounding that your mom gave you will not be open and ready to start a healthy relationship with a significant other. We can only be dependant on our partners for 50% of the support we need to live life. The other 50% we need to be able to supply to them, because god forbid they become unable to sustain us and need to find support elsewhere.

It's only been a short while. Give yourself time to build a firmer foundation for yourself. That's where I believe a therapists might help. They can show you ways to cope and begin rebuilding your life after a devastating loss.

You have my total support and understanding. I wish I could reach through the lines and give you a solid hug. Your in my prayers.

Tiffany


Behind every cloud of smoke is a rainbow to be found.

Hey Johnny

You know that I love you, and only want what is best for you....but....I have to agree with Tiffany.

You have to be comfortable in your own skin, and like your own company before you can expect someone else to like you.

I know that things have been hard on you. May not be too many people that are more aware of that than I am.

You need to love and respect you before you can expect love and respect from someone else.

These things take time....longer for some than for others, but they still take time...

I am sure that I am gonna tick you off with this, but thats okay too. Sometimes anger is a good emotion.

I will give you a call in within a couple of days, and we can go round and round.....I might even let you yell at me.

I gotta go get ready for work, but dont forget, I only "get in your face" because I care....besides...I am good at it

Special hugs to you my friend...
Lori

Dear Johnny,
They say money can't buy love, but mine did. Here's a picture of her. I hope you work it all out soon.

Dear Johnny,

When you hit rock bottom the only way is up.
Trust me, been there done that,
it takes a while but you learn to accept what has happened,
but think of all the positive things your mum gave you and every day thank heavens for being her son and knowing her for the length of time you did.
The hurt will always be there but you will learn to live with it.

Tomorrow is just around the corner and with that comes both inner peace and hope.



Janet

aka Johnti.

Johnny,
There are good days and there are bad days we have to learn to make the most of the good days and try to survive the bad, looking forward to the next good one. I know it's so much eaier to say these things from the outside but remeber you always have a fan club here when you need to get things out. We all care for you just try to keep smiling. As the saying goes smile and the world smiles with you. Know we are here for you.
Take care,
Rose