wow. just when i was at a loss, starting to get into my woeful, "why me?" moment (come on, we've all had those moments!) i came on this site and found this post. so thank you for that!
i have had pretty much all the thoughts that you have each expressed...minus just a few
my personal experiences from a young age included things like other back problems, sports injuries, migraines, GI issues...so i was the kid who was always going to the doctor anyway. i wasn't really surprised when i was diagnosed with this, but the fact that it's something that can't be "fixed" or "healed" is what kind of got me. everything else that's been thrown at me i have learned to deal with, taken a pill for, gone to therapy and taken care of. i had control over it, was stronger for it, and put it behind me. not being able to put AS behind me is my biggest hurdle, mentally. BUT, my mom has always said to me "what does not kill you makes you stronger", so i have tried to maintain that philosophy.
i certainly do not believe that any of us deserve this or did something where this is in any way karmic. but i do believe that on our bad days, we do what we must for our bodies and our minds and on our good days we are just ourselves...unmoved, unwavering by this disease that seemingly wants to overtake us.
i have been taking hot yoga classes, which have helped me physically, mentally and spiritually. it allows me to get more in-tune with my body, to really feel my breathing, and to stretch in ways i didn't think i would be able to. my joints feel amazing afterwards! also, the instructor i have is great, and she reads from these wonderful books about awareness, spirituality, etc. i do not practice any specific religion, so this is almost like my new religious practice - with added benefits. =)
i think we all need to stay strong in the face of adversity, no matter how hard our days get. i have had other issues crop up because of this disease (currently out of work, have lost a previous job because of this...) and i know that others on here have been in the same boat. it's great that we have eachother to lean on and vent to, when people around us can't possibly understand what we go through or how we feel.
take the good days with the bad...and may each of you find what works best for you in terms of spirituality and fulfillment!
all the best,
laureen
