Hi, everyone. Shoveling is a wonderful painful thing to do early in the morning. Depression is ever so happy to stick its thoughts into your mind as you shovel.

I was very down yesterday because I failed another fricken test. So today I am wondering if anyone ever has failed an entire 2 years worth of courses? I figure if I am gonna fail this, I am gonna do it all the way, baby.

Not going to go in today. What for? To be further stressed out? To sit there staring and pretending I can do it?

Everyone keeps telling me I can do this. But you know what? I can't do it. Not when I have to leave to go to the washroom to cry. Just like I am crying as I type this.

I am supposed to be taking my Mac Air in with me today. Guess what? When I add it into the bag along with the books from last night, the bag is too heavy for me to carry.

I have to take it in in order for the text books to be saved onto it to HELP ME. I just want to be left the frick alone. Why can't I just sit at home and think? I don't fit in there. I am dancing in my mind while the instructors are so prim and proper.

God help me, please. I don't want to be here any longer. I am scared to do 'it' but there is no peace if I don't.

I have fricked up my life. I have nothing to show for it.

Gonna go down in history as being the first person to totally fail out of college. That is my new goal. I WANT to get just F's. Think the rows of red F's would look interesting. A real keeper. Something for the autopsy folks and doctors to look at and laugh at my expense. I will have entertained after life.

I want to be buried in a box in a secluded area somewhere. No marker. As if I did not exist because I really didn't. No crying because I have already done the crying.

Can't do this any longer. I have set the Mac to play the same song over and over so it is the last thing I will hear. Why do I feel so scared, God? I have abandoned even you, my Saviour.

Operation F starts now. The Office Procedures test? Why it will just be an F. The Spreadsheets 1 test? Another F. The Word test? Another F. Business English? Yet another F. Every other test, straight F's. F F F F F F

Hey, scientists! This is how a brain explodes when overloaded. This is how depression takes out a person. This was my life.

I am sorry mom and dad. I will miss you and hope I see you on the other side. A and B and baby S I will miss you. I am sorry I wasn't there to see you grow up S. I had something important to do first.

Frick. This is hard.

Just ignore this post, ok?

- Carpal Tunnel in BOTH hands
- Depression (MDD) Major Depressive Disorder
- Pituitary Adenoma
- Scoliosis
- Spinal Arthritis with bone spurs on spine
- Multiple Scoliosis diagnosed
- Herniating spinal disc
- HLAB27+
- Final diagnosis: Mild lumbar spondylosis

Previously told Mechanical Back 'Issues'. Hate this term!