Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group My mother thinks if I get a job...........

Hi! Sorry to hear about your Mom. I know from experience how this feels. At the age of 35, I moved back home with the folks. My dad has been in complete denial for years, he is constantly telling people that I will get better. I dread coming home and telling him about what each specialist has said, as he will find one thing and twist it into a positive. For example, I recently saw my neurosurgeon in regards to a spinal stimulator. The doc said it would help with the pain in my leg and the pain coming from the disc, but it wouldn't help my a.s. My dad's first response was "that's great, you'll be able to walk again (presently, I use a walker). I was heartbroken for the longest time. But, I know that my father loves me and he doesn't like to see me hurting, and yes, sometimes he points out jobs for me... I have tried to educate him, but he refuses to see this as permanent. As frustrating as this is, I use as much humor as possible and just roll with it. I guess what I am trying to say is people who love you, don't want to see you hurting and just want things to be the way they used to be. In my case, I learned to be patient and understanding - afterall, I only have one mom and dad.
loriann

Oh yes!!! Sometimes I think we were just born into insensitive families. My mom (deceased now) told me that I just needed something to do and not focus on how I was feeling. My sister just recently told me the same thing...that I just needed something to keep me busy (like trying to get out of bed in the a.m., showered and dressed isn't enough for one a.m.)

Just know you can come here where everyone understands and cares.

Hugs.
Possi

That's totally ridiculous, but you already knew that! I think a lot of people just think of it as a "bad back" and as with theirs, it will go away with time. They don't understand how serious this illness is, that it won't go away, and will most likely, get worse. The world is filled with insensitive people, but it hurts worse when their relatives. At least you know that here, we understand. Keep you in my prayers.

My mom told me that I was faking when I was first diagnosed. Soooo...since I'm a tad on the hot-headed side I yelled at her for quite some and refused to talk to her for a while. My dad played peacemaker, got info from me, sat down and talked about it to her and she finally came around. But it wasn't until I had to start giving up some of my soccer teams (total soccer nut here) did she realize it was serious. I still play soccer, but I'm down to one team, one night a week, instead of 5 teams, 6 nights a week. Unfortunately it took some yelling from me and work from my dad, but she finally came around and now actively looks for new things that might help me out.
Hopefully she'll come around and won't be so insensitive the next time.
Good luck!

((Oak)) I was hoping things would be better for you after the trip and break. I know we each have to live our own life and not worry about what others think but it is so good to have support. That is what is so wonderful about being able to come here.

Have a good weekend, friend.
Possi

Hey Jeanne.....my mom says:

If you would just go back to eating starch then everything would go back to normal!!!!! She says, nothing was wrong with you until you stopped eating starch!!!

Sometimes they just don't have a clue, and they don't want to pick one up, either. My mom has always tended to bury her head in the sand and not face the problem that is facing her, or a family member.

Ridiculousness [sp?] sometimes comes out when they [parents] are worried the most about us!

A mother-in-law comment [when we told her I was pregnant with my 3rd child {after trying to get pregnant for 2 years}]: "Oh, no!!!" Okay, now that's insensitive!!!!

Hang in there, kiddo!

Cheers,
Rita

James, 12, Adrian, 10, Elisabeth, 3, my babies!

Hi Jeanne,

From time to time posters here over the years have posted insensitive comments from loved ones and this one is a memorable one indeed.

I hope it was meant out of love... for loved ones what also do not share the disease we have, it is difficult to understand the pain AS can cause and relate. Really, the only way I see to combat statements such as this is educating loved ones and patience (although at times you may feel like opting for a heavy mallet )

Best to you,

Tim

Thanks for all your replies. It's actually not the first time she has said it to me. While camping together on the 4th, she said I should get a job. She really caught me off guard so I totally ignored it, not finding out where the heck she was coming from with that. But when she said it again yesterday while sitting in a restaurant, I could hardly ignore it, and asked her why she thinks I should get a job, and that's when I found out she thinks my health problems would go away.

Normally when she makes insensitive remarks to me, I have to ignore her, and just chalk her up to being a bored and loney old women herself. But she is really going to [**BLEEP**] me off if she keeps up with this one.

I think I am going to have to ignore it, because I can't stand conflict, and don't think it's worth the fight, but I hardly slept last night, thinking about this over and over, so it is bothering me, but I just have to convice myself of her ignorence or stupidity and move on.

This is just unbelievable that this is the kind of support I have to deal with, as if this disease is not hard enough. I know I am going to have to avoid her like the plague now, and then she'll get mad because I never go see her, yadda, yadda, yadda! I can't win.

Funny things our parents say to us! My Mom told me the same thing-lose weight and your back will feel better!
Anyway, I am sorry that your Mom was insensitive to your pain issues. Sometimes we hurt the ones that are closest to us- usually family.
All the best,
kathy

I can totally relate.....my 'so called parents' haven't even asked me a thing about AS or how I am doing since I was dx in 2000. In the beginning the 'old bat' said something about "it's all doom and gloom" and something about "stupid doctors". These are the most insensitive people I have ever known. I see my dad once and a while but I have disowned the other. I have had nothing to do with her for 2.5 years. She is the meanest person I have ever known.
These are the people we need and expect the most support from and alot of them let us down.
I come here for support cause everyone understands and you are all I have.
I wish you the best Jeanne, it must be very disapointing. I hope your mom comes to her senses.

Take Care,

Sherri