Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group winter, snow shoveling, pain, whole nine yards

Hi, everyone. Shoveling is a wonderful painful thing to do early in the morning. Depression is ever so happy to stick its thoughts into your mind as you shovel.

I was very down yesterday because I failed another fricken test. So today I am wondering if anyone ever has failed an entire 2 years worth of courses? I figure if I am gonna fail this, I am gonna do it all the way, baby.

Not going to go in today. What for? To be further stressed out? To sit there staring and pretending I can do it?

Everyone keeps telling me I can do this. But you know what? I can't do it. Not when I have to leave to go to the washroom to cry. Just like I am crying as I type this.

I am supposed to be taking my Mac Air in with me today. Guess what? When I add it into the bag along with the books from last night, the bag is too heavy for me to carry.

I have to take it in in order for the text books to be saved onto it to HELP ME. I just want to be left the frick alone. Why can't I just sit at home and think? I don't fit in there. I am dancing in my mind while the instructors are so prim and proper.

God help me, please. I don't want to be here any longer. I am scared to do 'it' but there is no peace if I don't.

I have fricked up my life. I have nothing to show for it.

Gonna go down in history as being the first person to totally fail out of college. That is my new goal. I WANT to get just F's. Think the rows of red F's would look interesting. A real keeper. Something for the autopsy folks and doctors to look at and laugh at my expense. I will have entertained after life.

I want to be buried in a box in a secluded area somewhere. No marker. As if I did not exist because I really didn't. No crying because I have already done the crying.

Can't do this any longer. I have set the Mac to play the same song over and over so it is the last thing I will hear. Why do I feel so scared, God? I have abandoned even you, my Saviour.

Operation F starts now. The Office Procedures test? Why it will just be an F. The Spreadsheets 1 test? Another F. The Word test? Another F. Business English? Yet another F. Every other test, straight F's. F F F F F F

Hey, scientists! This is how a brain explodes when overloaded. This is how depression takes out a person. This was my life.

I am sorry mom and dad. I will miss you and hope I see you on the other side. A and B and baby S I will miss you. I am sorry I wasn't there to see you grow up S. I had something important to do first.

Frick. This is hard.

Just ignore this post, ok?

NO! Do NOT say goodbye. Operation F up is F'ed up. Call someone now, PLEASE. Call me! Call someone right now. F college, F shoveling snow.

Do not talk about your life in past tense. PLEASE.

I'm sending you my phone number (PM)...call me please, or call someone who can come be with you.

Magician, please....stop and take a few deep breaths....sometimes life can see overwhelming. Forget school, forget winter all those things don't matter the least compared to the big picture. If you feel you can't finish school then so what, just pick it up another year when you feel better...its never too late. I wish I could be there with you at this very moment to help you out...whatever your thinking of doing please don't, we all love you here and your part of our family. We will help you through this I promise !

Can you please msg me and tell me your ok? I'm worried about you and theres nothing I can do from here !!

Magician, like Holly and Eloney have said.. breathe...and try and find something to think of just for now that DOES bring you joy.. or has brought you smiles and peace....I know we're far .. and I know we can't hug you or help in ways that seem to be what you need right now.. but we will always listen.. and believe it or not so many of us understand exactly where your standing!!!
I'm not too far away to call or vent to.. if you'd like I can give you my number... I can relate so much to how your feeling... honestly from the bottom of my heart I can.. I've been there, so low you look up and can't seem to see anything..
But there is light.. however small the ray seems to be right at this very moment.. there is light at the end of this tunnel..
Im going to as well include my number in PM.. for you.. to call ANYTIME.. Sometimes it just feels better to chat.. to get it off your chest just like you've done... to others who HEAR you.. truly hear you.
Please don't give up... just give us a bit of time to talk to you.. give options.. listen.. give advice.. or just a shoulder..
We're all here to help in any way we can..
Just take a moment and reflect on the people in your life who would be so very heartbroken without you here... Im sure there are so many that love you, and rely on your shoulders when they are down too? Time to call in those favors.. you need a shoulder to hold you up and a hand to hold...
Call any one of us.. and we will offer that ..
*big warm hugs*
Please just hold on for a little while longer... we'll help you in any way we can!!
Tracy

Magician,

STOP!!!! Holler it to yourself if you have to. When depression gets hold of us every word we say to ourselves will either stop the thought process or it will send us into a downward spiral that is difficult to get out of. You know the cues. Think about it and you will know the shift in your thought patterns. Tell those thoughts to stop. Holler it out loud if you have to. Give your mind just a few seconds of peace, His peace. Revert to the prayers you learn in childhood. Say them out loud, even if you can't feel them. Don't let the evil one win.

I am not ignoring this post! I have felt the way you feel on many occasions. I value your presence on the planet and you have enriched my life in the short time I've been here. xoxoxo

Magic please reply we are all worried about you cant go we need you here and your family need you there. Please make contect so we know you are ok.

Kevin

How I wish that I lived next door I would bring over one of my comforter/quilts wrap you in it, as we enjoy a nice hot chocolate (A super hot chocolate from Tim Hortons - boy are they yummy). This may not take all the pain away, but it will make you warm, and comfy and show you how much I care for you. Makaylah my (service puppy), wants to give you maga kisses to take away all your hurt. She is so good at giving kisses, and making you laugh.

Gerri

please reply back to us! please!

send a public message, PM me or anyone else on here that you feel you can best talk to. send your phone number if you want to talk.

school doesn't matter. i know that's easy for others to say, but i'm a teacher and i'm saying it. i'm in the system, i know. if you were my student, that's exactly what i would tell you. if you were my student and i saw how you had been struggling all semester, i would have tried to convince you to withdraw if it is too much. grades are really so meaningless in the overall scheme of things. you're not the first student i've told these things.

think about those who love you. people are really the only thing that matters.

if you were my student, i'd be calling the counseling center on campus to get you help. i am not there, so please please call the counseling center. i've known a number of students saved by them.

even for those without depression, school can get overwhelming, i know. mix in depression, and i can't even begin to imagine.

please call the counseling center. they can help you in ways that you can not even begin to imagine.