Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group sex life down the tubes

Thanks Mig. Sounds like very intelligent advice!

Yep, she's a star is that mig, and she's brought the all-important female point of view in at just the right moment

being a woman, I can see where a change in an intimate relationship might have her needing to cope with the changes in her own mind. Maybe, she's not responding the way you hoped because she's not aware of how things are for you and maybe she has things she needs to express to be able to get back on the same page. I think some of the previous advice was excellent and addressed both sexes. talking it over seems like it would be helpful. sometime with something difficult or intimidating, we wish our partners could read minds but they don't often. Then when things go downhill, we wish we just knew what was going on. anyway, think I'm being repetitive, sorry I am just hoping it will all turn out fine. Amy

Phil,

I am glad that you brought this to the open forum because this is something that affects both sexes. I hope that the men on the men's forum can offer some beneficial advice on matters that are "men only"

However, when I had a look at what you had to say, my first thoughts were "yeah, I know because I had a fractured and dislocated coccyx before I was married". Yes, it was very painful because I could not sit, stand or otherwise, but we managed to overcome the difficulties and I have three sons to prove it

I do not know your age, but women do tend to go through phases where we are less interested in the intimacy of our marital life. This is not helped by a husband who forgets to touch in an intimate way. I am not talking about heavy petting but about that little touch on the back, or a quick blowing on the ear, or a touch on the leg. The gentlest of touches goes a long way to enhancing intimacy between a couple.

Hey, I am getting to be an old hand with marriage, cos I am coming up to the 30 year mark at the end of this year. From a woman's perspective I understand what you are saying because we women go through the same kind of feelings when we are being ignored.

Anyway, Mig offered some really good advice and I support any advice that says: sit down with your wife and talk about it. Let her know that your back is doing better. The alternative which should be discussed in the men's forum is that of positions that are the most comfortable for you so that you can once again enjoy that deep intimacy that is shared between a husband and wife.

Platypus

I think Platypus said it well. It's something that we can all relate to. Women also tend to have natural patterns to a relationship as far as sex goes. I'm sure there is a human nature based website that can even give you the exact names for the phases women tend to go through, or a relationship for that matter. You can learn a lot from the Discovery Channel. LOL! I may not be interested in sex but I sure can watch the scientifics of it for hours So I'm not going to bore you with those details but it might help to understand what's going on. Your wife loves you very much or she would not have stood by you through all this time. Lets face it, AS is tough on relationships and relationships are hard enough as it is. All I could suggest is try romancing her. You may not be able to enact a romance novel but they are popular for a reason. And you know what? A lot of them have sex in it. If you had a man and a woman write a story about their most memorable sexual experience without fear of judgement I'm sure there would be quite a difference.

Since you are feeling better, stop by the store and buy her something small that she really loves. But do it in a way that doesn't make it seem you have only one thing on your mind. Help her out around the house if she's the one that usually does it (it may be hard because she may be picky but you can get through it). I know I can't relax if I've got something on my mind that I feel I need to take care of. Listen to what she talks about. You can find out what's stressing her if anything by going about your daily activities and paying a bit more attention to the meaning of what she says and her facial expressions.

Hope I've been of some help.

If anyone has found offense to some generalizations I have made here I appologize. I'm speaking from my own experience. No, I don't read romance novels but maybe I should

Sharon

Hi Phillip,

I'm glad you posted this. I am sure there are many others who have wanted to ask this question but didn't know how.

I noticed in one of your replies, you said "when I get the courage to" you will talk to your wife. I wanted to share an experience my friend just went through. Her and her husband were having similar problems. For them, it was because she has been through so much in her cancer treatments. And even though now she is doing wonderfully, he was afraid and didn't know how to approach her. And she had the same problem. They signed up for a Couples Reconnection retreat. She came back to our support group one night and said she was so glad she did. She said that even though they had been married 34 years, they had forgotten how to connect with each other. And not just sexually. And it was understandable. They had both been through so much in dealing with her illness. She said she feels like a newlywed again.
Not sure if that is something you would be interested in. But a search on the internet should bring up something. I've heard that they have them all over the country.

Good luck to you both.


Pam

Hi Philip,

Thanks for raising this issue...it's one I've thought about raising but having done a search on the forums it didn't seem like anyone else had the same problem which put me off.

Now, I could go on about this for AGES but I'll try to keep it short and sweet. The short answer is yes, my physical relationship with my boyfriend is severly affected by his AS. Basically we don't have a physical relationship anymore - and when I say that, I really do mean it! This has been ongoing for about 4 years, and we've been together for nearly 5.

He puts it down to
a) not wanting to be near anyone when he's sore/have any sort of physical contact
b) his high level of medication (Tramadol)

His sex drive is non-existent, and mine is 'normal'. A lot of the time I feel like even if his did miraculously reappear, he'd be so used to not having sex with me that we still wouldn't. Which brings me to your wife. Now, I feel like my sex drive has definitely decreased, basically because I can't and don't have sex with my boyfriend. I feel that it's just gotten to the point where I'm past the desperation stage - basically trying to accept that things will never be as I want them, and I've had a lot of time to get used to it. Which could be where your wife is. You're exactly right when you say you 'got out of the habit'. From my point of view, I think your situation sounds reversible - you need to talk about this with her, and then put some time into reintroducing physical touches gradually. I mean things like hugs, stroking her back, etc, not necessarily sexual touches at first.

The important thing is that you're interested again! I'm sure you can get back much of what you want. Someone else did have a good point about women though, our sex drives often fluctuate. Although I myself find it a little unbelievable when women say they'd rather not have sex - purely because I don't have the option!

hi
i completely understand where the probs come in on this subject, any of my bf have been scared of hurting me, but with reassurance that i will let them know if it hurts they seem to b ok
Dont get me wrong i am not disputing at all that tramadol can have these effects as firstly i am female, and secondly different med affect everyone different. But i have not experienced the same thru taking tramadol and i have been taking it 18 month now. I was also curious about this and checked my british medical association guide to medicines and drugs and theres no mention of it in there, i then though well maybe its not telling me everything, and checked my side effects leaflet and it says nothing about it there. Like i say he could very well have this reaction but it isnt commonly listed. I would b interested to know if anyone else taking tramadol has had this prob.
take care
heather

There was a good article linked to a past post, that some kickers might be interested in reading.
It was called: Sexuality and Arthritis, according to ARC

mig

Mig, I searched all my favourites to find this link, only to realize I lost it in a computer crash. Thanks for re-posting it here.