Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group My uncertain future and dating issues....

Yes, just when it seems like this horrible disease cannot possibly be worse, it finds a way to surprise me.

I am a widower of nearly 10 years. I wasn't diagnosed until after my wife died. I didn't try to date for a long while, but now that I have finally decided to try, it's almost impossible. There are so many reasons why it's difficult to date with AS, but the main reason for me is that, failing disability (and my condition has not yet gotten to the point, in my opinion, where I could qualify) my only hope for any income after my wife's Social Security benefit payments for my two kids runs out in a few years, is to take a percentage of her Social Security retirement benefits when I reach age 60 -- if SS is still around by then.

So why should this matter? Well, I recently got to know someone on-line and we were nearly to the point where something was starting to develop. However, when I mentioned my AS and talked about my financial future, which doesn't look very good -- I became a stay-at-home dad following the death of my wife, and as such, don't have a career, nor the prospect of finding one in a few years when the kids reach the point where I can start working full-time again -- and that because of this, probably couldn't marry again because I'd lose the only certain, early income I have available: my wife's benefits. Well, this woman didn't like this at all and bolted. Who wouldn't?

So, I'm stuck. I can't work full time right now because of my kids. In addition, although my AS isn't as bad as others, I find it difficult to work even part time without enduring pain, so I probably won't be able to work full time in 4 years when my wife's benefits run out for my kids, yet I'm not far enough gone to collect disability. Interested ladies?

So how can I date? Not only is my body getting worse, with pain and loss of motion increasing, but my prospects are getting worse as well. What do I have to look forward to? Oh, and by the way, I have no insurance because of my AS, so if something goes really wrong, what savings I have are gone!

A pity party, I know, but I'm so depressed about what life has in store for me for the next 30-40 years. Unless I find someone who is filthy rich, willing to support someone who will be less and less active as time goes on, all I see is lonliness and pain. Yes, I have my kids, but they will soon be up and out (hopefully -- I'm so tired of raising them on my own -- it's a worthwhile endeavour, but boy am I tired), and then where will I be?

I'm so envious of those of you who have someone in your lives. I know relationships are hard, but what I wouldn't give to have my wife back; my future would be so much brighter with her around.

So why have I posted? Cause I can't figure it out on my own. Suggestions? Ideas? Interested parties? Seriously though, what in the world can I do?

As an unrelated thing, has anyone heard anything about Scotty? He sounded so depressed and hasn't posted, that I have seen, since that time.

Thanks for letting me vent. Although I don't post a lot, I do lurk here every day and think of you all as you go through your lives with this dreadful disease and as you lose people you love and endure hardships of your own. So, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Pete,my God man! I thought that I was the only guy going through this. When I read your post I almost cried. I got divorced about two years ago (her idea) and soon afterwards I had to give up my career as a mechanic because of my progressive A/S. I got disability since my doc. said that I could'nt work anymore due to my A/S and the amount of painkillers I had to take. I went through a few months of deep depression and loneliness since I only see my kids 2-3 times a week and the rest of my time I pretty much spend alone. Here I am 39 years old, single for the first time in 22 years (married my highschool sweetheart) and I'm scared to try dating fist off because of my A/S and second because I have very little income. I feel trapped inside an old man's body and as much as I know that I'm a nice guy I just don't see what I could offer a woman long term. This really sucks Pete, so what do we do? I don't know of any A/S singles bars do you?
Steve.

Maybe we should start one, huh?

If we were'nt so far apart I'd ask you out. At least the A/S would'nt be an issue. You would pay for half of the dinner would'nt you?
Steve.

Hope y'all realise I'm just kidd'n, Stevie don't swing that way.

WOW!!!!

Yes it seems like you are in a tough boat.

I know several people here face this issue whether it is man/woman.

I don't condone lying or trying to make yourself something you are not especially online but the one thing that stuck out to me was maybe when you find someone that you feel a connection with take some time to get to know them and let them get to know you.

If I were looking online for someone and was hit with all that with someone I had just begun to have a relationship I would probly bolt too.

If we started talking and over time things were brought in casually it might help.

If someone doesn't want to get to know you then they are not worth you or your time, would you really want a relationship with someone like that?

Maybe quit putting yourself down, write down some positive qualities that you have.

One thing I have learned is love can come out of no where when you least expect it.

Good luck!

Lisa

I keep waiting, Lisa, but love seems to have forgotten me. While I agree that divulging too much info too soon could put the kibosh on any sort of relationship that might develop, I also would not want to waste anyone's time and emotion, including my own, you know getting close to someone only to find out that AS is a deal breaker or that my limited potential to earn an income is a deal breaker; it would crush me even further to come close to a new relationship only to lose it again.

Very, very depressed lately, and what's worse, my Steelers are on a bye week, so I can't even lose myself in watching them play (4-1 though baby!)

Oh, and Steve, you can be my wingman any time, okay? Maybe two ASers are better than one. Sad thing is, I hate the bar scene, so even that is not an option for me. Nope, I have to hope that love sneaks up and smacks me on the rear-end; as I get older, I find that possibility less and less likely -- it's like expecting lightening to strike twice in the same exact spot; what are the odds.

I don't mean to be crass or offend anyone because it's not easy finding someone special even when you're in good health. However I would think there's a huge demand for a dating / looking for love and friendship website for people with illnesses or disabilities of one kind or another, somewhere where you feel comfortable about telling people you have something wrong. They may well exist already and I know nothing much about setting one up or getting publicity but there are a lot of people here who seem to be experts on computers and who want to help others. Could a group of you get together in cyber-space to set something up?