Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group I Am Angry

Beloved,
I Am Angry

I am not sure what to think.
I find myself more angry that I have ever been, it seems.
I am mad that I have this stinking pain that just will not quit!
I know I should fast, that helps; but I am just angry that I have too.

At this point in my life I just want to open up the doors and let the music play, know what I mean?
I want to dance upon injustice, instead, I am p.o. Not proud of it.
I know a time of jubilee is coming but for now I find myself struggling.

I don’t have my grandkids near, I miss them
They think Lin may have another blockage / blood clot. I am in tears now.
The precious Indian kids have been taken from me, I miss them so much.
Both arms burn and seem to vibrate with pain! I can’t hang on to anything.
I forget what I am doing and …

I has loading music for 2 services this week and got them confused.. took over 3 hours.
I am quite frustrated with several people, that know better. I will have to say something
And I want to make a difference, not have a fight. In the past God has used my weakness
To teach me a direction, so that I could later rise up and accomplish something, all I feel now is anger and disappointment. I know a few of you will hold me accountable so, I am writing this….

My anger is not like God’s anger, He is always right, I get mixed up about who and what needs “pressed”. I used to say that God hates sin, but loves the sinner. More recent study, reminds me that God hates the behavior that can not be disconnected from us. He hates so much, that He sent His own son to die for our sins. Ps. 5 I know God hates the deceitful heart. So I must somehow do what is right for me, in God’s eyes and let Him take care of Vengence.

I guess I am talking about tough love!
Any testimonies about using tough love / anger to accomplish God’s will in your life?

The challenge I have accepted is “to be angry, and sin not”.
I know my anger toward a few has caused me not to do as well as expected.
I don’t like the way things appear, it is hard to know how much to vent sometimes.

I don’t want God to look into my heart and find excuses.
I Cherish your prayers. Just could not get it right all morning.

Lon,
Pray the psalms.

Rail at God.

Be angry and sin not.

But be angry.

Karen

PS I need these myself right now.


Psalm 6
Have pity on me, Lord, for I am weak.;
heal me, Lord, for my bones are trembling.
In utter terror is my soul...
I am wearied with sighing;
all night long tears drench my bed.
My couch is soaked with weeping.

Psalm 10
Why, Lord, do you stand at a distance
and pay no heed to these troubled times?
Arrogant scondrels pursue the poor;
they trap them by their cunning schemes....
Rise up, Lord God! Raise your arm!
Do not forget the poor!

Psalm 13
How long, Lord? Will you utterly forget me?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I carry sorrow in my soul,
grief in my heart day after day?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look upon me, answer me, Lord my God!

Psalm 88
Lord, my God, I call out by day;
at night I cry aloud in your presence.
Let my prayer come before you;
incline your ear to my cry.
For my soul is filled with trouble; my life draws near to Sheol,
I am reckoned with those who go down to the pit;
I am weak, without strength...
I am mortally afflicted since youth;
lifeless, I suffer your terrible blows...
Because of you, my companions shun me.
My only friend is darkness

Oh Lon, I am sorry that you are having these feelings, you've been through so much lately....I've had feelings of anger like that during tough times though, I'm sure most of us have at some time or another...I was angry because of all I had lost in the hurricanes, not so much the material things but friends and family, pets, neighbors, my church family, even our church was gone... Mike and I were apart during those weeks, our son was already married, oldest daughter was away at college and our teenage daughter was being a typical teenager at the time(difficult at best )...so I was pretty much alone during all of that, except for Sammy, my loyal, beloved dog(I really should say my very best friend) and my pain, it was not at all a good situation and it all happened so abruptly that it felt surreal and it was hard to cope with so much at once....after awhile, all I could think about was the story of Job, my faith was definitely tested...I was very angry but I soon realized that my anger was not only consuming me, it was getting in my way and it was counterproductive, entirely too draining, so I told myself to just stay focused and start cleaning up and I put all of my energy into that and I decided to make it even better than it was before and every time I would start getting angry, I put myself in check and went back to work...it got me through a very, very difficult time and I'm proud of myself for getting through all of that, it has made me a stronger and better person, more humble too, I think...and our family has come back together and we're closer than ever!...

B'rer Lon!

I was angry once, partly because I misidentified my disease as injustice. Now that I realize that it is perfect justice--but also a 'perfecting justice,' I am thankful for my AS and especially the ability to defeat it.

Anger is not healthy, but I understand it and especially hope that your Lin is going to be Ok. If AS does not steal from us, TIME will! Life's lesson is loss and if life itself were so important, it would not be as fragile as it is; only love is permanent, and that you will always have in abundance.

Certainly, I wish that the pains could have propitiated for my previous errors, but I am satisfied now although I know that the pain is just a reminder, and I am mostly doing the best I can, while still learning and trying to keep to my charge, as I have shared it with You.

I know this monster (and even the very name of our AS demon, which I cannot utter to avoid giving it more power), and it will cause us to become angry and the rage blinds us to our purpose and blinds us to the beauty around us, and causes despair.

More than civilians (non-ASers) can ever know, we each suffer with You, and do more than merely hope that things will get better, but we resolve to make them better and keep You and Lin ever in our thoughts and prayers.

Although I also need to fast--for a long time--I find it more difficult with social pressures and various unforeseen activities I need to become distracted within, but I am overdue, so may join You in a really big-time fast!

HEALTH enough now to make and re-make our own futures,
John

Well Lon,
All I can say is...Once again John has put feelings into words.

I know this place that you are in Brother, and I know it isn't a place of jubilation(sp) But know that you are not there alone.

If I could take your pain, if even for a moment, you know that I would. But I can stand here with you and offer a shoulder. Use it either for the strength it has left to pick you up or to rest and shed that tear that we all have shed while in this place.

Positive Thoughts and Prayers to You, Lin, and Your family as you maneuver through the rough waters that you are experiencing.

Keep Kickin'AS
Chris

Lon,

I am so sorry that you are going thru all of this right now....I wish we lived closer to you.

I hope the situation with Lin is not as serious as it sounds, anytime your wife, your love is in danger or just hurting it is our husbands natural reaction to hold, to protect so your feelings are su justified.

You know just because you are a preacher do you not think it is ok to have all these fears, thoughts , feelings? You are only human. I know friends, relatives and even other church members will think you are suppose to be strong, fierce and oblivious to any kind of stress, sickness or worries BUT you are not. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for how you feel, you have that right just like every one of us do.

I know it has to be tough not to be near your Grands and Im sorry, they do need to be with their Granparents but sometimes the jobs, economy keeps our loved ones from us. Is there anyway that you can Skype with your babies...like a little camera (doesnt cost much) then you can see them and they can see you, we do that with Jack Milo sometimes when I need a fix.

Don't punish yourself for how you feel and for being human. Do what you do best, pray and ask for strength, let God know that even though he says he will not give us more than we can handle that you are at that point, I have been there and done that many, many times.

You are such an inspiration to all of us here, and we want to know that you are ok

Many gentle hugs,

Lisa

Lon - this too shall pass.

Thinking of you. I understand...
Jan

Lon,

I will pray for you. God hears the prayers of the righteous, and I am not that. But Jesus is my righteousness and I hang on to that.

wasabi

Dearest Lon I too am angry, well that was tough to admit.
I must now admit my anger with God, and now know that it is okay to be angry with him. I'm angry that so many are suffering for no cause, or are we? Many, like myself have been too busy yelling in anger that I couldn't hear his reply. I try to remind myself of 3 things on a daily basis. The serenity prayer, Footprints and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. God has always shown me a purpose with every hurdle I have had to overcome, people he has put in front of me to help through my suffering. But, he has been silent these past few years, now, is it okay to be angry or is that why he has been silent with his purpose for my life. We are human and will not understand completely until we are finally home. So your challenge is a great one, to be angry and sin not. Many things can be accomplished through our anger if we take the time to listen to his reply. Here is a testimoney for you. For 4 years after my failed knee replacements and loosing my job and ultimately ending up of SS. I was litterally screaming at God WHY when I was in a possition to help so many and ended up without direction living with failed surgery one after another and in a downward spiral and no idea why he hadn't given me someone to help. One morning about 6 months ago I awoke with God litterally yelling at me to "shut up and listen" !!!!!!!!!! then Be still and know I am God. I was only then that I realized he had given me someone he wanted me to help, my Mother. This is a long story but you wanted testimoney. The timming was divinely perfect. The only way for me to move 200 miles away was to be forced from my former life. Becomming disabled and not being able to work anymore allowed me to move closer to her and care for her when she needed it the most. So, sometimes the reasons are right in front of our eyes, but we refuse to see.
Boy did I just ramble on.
Finally go my computer fixed and can get back in touch.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both
Cindy