Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group Help

Guys, I'm holding on by a thread right now and really need help dealing with this.

Two weeks ago, my sister called and asked me to look after the girls for a few days. Her boyfriend, she told me, is schizophrenic, but one of those cases where he doesn't know he's sick so he doesn't take his meds. She needed the girls somewhere "sane" so she could do what was necessary to make sure he got treatment, as he'd had some kind of episode and had left the house threatening to take his own life.

They got him into hospital here in Toronto, pending some kind of medical hearing thta would determine his ability to govern his own treatment. He blamed my sister and his father, the police, everybody was against him, as he had no idea why any of this was happening. Although he had my sister removed by security the day of hte hearing, and left instructions that she and his father were not to be told anything, we found out a few days later that he had been deemed mentally unable to govern his treatment. However, he is appealing this ruling and as such was released from hospital last Thursday, two weeks after the initial incident, pending the appeal which could take 3 to 4 months to occur.

Last Monday, my sister called my mother barely able to speak she was crying so hard. Would Mum please drive her to an appointment she'd made with a counsellor, as she couldn't deal with all that was going on. She made another appointment with that psychiatrist for yesterday morning.

This weekend, my sweetie and I went up to stay with Mum and the girls, who were also staying with her so my sister could bring her boyfriend up to pick up some of his belongings to sell and leave the country after his release from hospital on Thursday. She didn't want the girls exposed to him again and she asked that we keep them away from teh house on Saturday as this was when it was all going down.

At 5:46 on Saturday evening, Mum got a call from my youngest niece who was at a friend's house. Her friend had received a phone call from my sister's number. When she picked up, she heard yelling and what sounded to her like a truly bad argument, she thought it was between my sister and her boyfriend. She told my niece, who called Mum.

Mum and I got in the car and drove over to my sister's house. There was no-one there. Mum searched the house, but found no sign. We drove around the neighbourhood for the better part of 45 minutes, in case they'd gone for a walk to talk things out, as they often did this.

We got a call from my sweetie at 6:37 saying that the police had called Mum to let her know my sister was in hospital. We all headed over there and were there within 5 minutes, but there was no information as there had been a shift change and the woman in triage wasn't the woman who saw my sister. My sweetie went to pick my oldest niece up from work. Initially, we didn't want her to come to the hospital, but after we were finally allowed to see my sister, my mother changed her mind. My beautiful sister was hooked up to every monitor they had. She reeked of alcohol and we were told that she had taken an overdose of sleeping medications and was completely unable to communicate. She knew we were there and would nod or try to open her eyes when we spoke to her. The nurse let me look at the bottles, one empty, one about 2/3 empty. They were her boyfriends, both narc based, one of which shuts down the body's motor response. From there, I went out to the waiting room to tell my 14 year old niece what was going on, then held her as she wept.

None of this makes sense. My sister doesn't drink to excess (she might have a cider once a week, or one or two drinks socially), doesn't believe in meds or drugs of any kind. We found out from the constable who interviewed my oldest niece and me that someone had called 911 at about 5:30. When EMS personnel arrived, my sister's boyfriend barred entry to the house. The OPP were called and when they arrived, we are told he fought them to keep them from the house. The OPP gained access and EMS found my sister lying on the bed with a split lip and completey unconscious. Mum and I must have got there within minutes of the ambulance leaving. The boyfriend was in police custody for having interfered with the EMS personnel, but this is not a chargeable offence, so he would be released the followign morning.

Sunday afternoon, Mum got a call from the hospital. They were transferring my sister to a provincial mental health facility for assessment. We had half an hour to get over there so my nieces could see their mother before she was transferred. She would be held for at least 72 hours. When we arrived, the boyfriend was there with a shiny new haircut and a clean white shirt, holding her hand and whispering in her ear. The first instinct that all four of us had, Mum, the girls and me, was to rip his hand away from my sister and bodily eject him from the room. But we didn't, as we didn't want to upset my sister, who seemed completely dependent on him. He's convinced her the police are lying and, I guess, they had coerced the EMS personnel to lie as well. She tried to convince us that they were up in the bedroom with the door closed and music playing when the EMS people arrived, so they didn't hear the knock on the door. It was just a misunderstanding. All of us knew that was not the case. As my youngest niece said, you can hear everything in that house, with or wihtout music playing. There's no way the boyfriend didn't hear them arrive.

We have done everything we can to make sure those in authority know that this is atypical of my sister. We have told everyone we can about the boyfriend's 35 year history with schizophrenia, his paranoid delusions of persecution, the result of the medical hearing, the fact that he doesn't take his meds and is walkign around free pending the appeal. We have made sure they know the facts of Saturday as we know them from teh police, and the fact that he's twisted those facts around in my sister's head. Including calling the doctor at the facility she's been taken to to make sure he knows.

My sweetie and stepdad were told (off the record, I think) by the police on Saturday night that they have records of the boyfriend going back 18 months, since he moved in with mys ister, detailing his paranoid delusions. Teh officer my sweetie was talking to told him the only way to get him out of my sister's life was to convince her that she had to let him go. Their hands are tied, legally, and they can do nothing about it because he has no history of violence against anyone but himself. Teh officer said that it's obvious to them that my sister loves him and thinks she can save him. The word 'intervention' by family was raised as our only option. The girls had been told not to speak of anyting to do with this. We have now made it clear to them that they must talk to us now, because we can't help their mother if we don't know what's been going on. They've begun talking. I think the lies about what happened Saturday night that they heard on Sunday when they saw their mother are what convinced them. Neither of them wants him back in the hosue again. My oldest niece called him a cowardly [**BLEEP**] and my youngest told me she just wanted to rip him limb from limb.

There are no more secrets in our family. Mum and I are making sure of that. I am in the process of putting together the facts as we know them into some kind of logical sequence so that I can write letters to our responsible government officials. The laws need to be changed to protect people from schizophrenics who are allowed to walk free when they refuse to take their meds. there are two recent news stories about people just like this having killed innocent people in the midst of hteir delusions. I never want another family to go through this. To have their hearts broken. I held my mother on Saturday night as she wept, broken hearted, helpless to do anything. Then I went outside and fell apart alone. My sweetie has held me. He's trying to help as best he can, but he's angry about it and hurt by it, just as Mum's husband is. I'm a mess. I'm at work, but I feel like a robot. I can do my job because I know it so well. My sweetie's having acolonoscopy tomorrow, the appliances are being delivered tonight. The hosue is full of dust from teh construction. The plumber's quote is unspeakably high. I just want to be with my family. I can't be there becayuse I have to be here and I'm just holding on. Anger and determination are the only things that keep me functioning right nowj. I can't sit up straight. I can't think straight. I'm just functioning. and I keep seeing my beautiful smart sister on that bed in ER on Saturday night, looking like a baby, incoherent, barely functional. I'll never forget it. It haunts me. I keep hearing my mother weep. I keep seeing my kitten dissolve her beautiful blue eyes spilling over and barely able to hold onto me as she wept. I keep seeing the look of utter disbelief on my elf's face when we told her what had happeend. I keep seeing that boyfriend sitting there holding my sister's hand looking all sorrowful and somber in his clean white shirt and shiny new haircut, while my sister lay there coherent but drugged up and I can't help but think he orchestrated this somehow to get back at her for having him ptu in hostpial two weeks ago.

Help.

Oh Kat...I am so so sorry this has happened.

There is nothing like seeing your loved ones hurt.

I have alot to say, but I think right now you just need to hear that you and the whole family will be in our thoughts and prayers.

Please keep us updated, and please take care of yourself first as you need to be healthy and strong to be able to help your sister and nieces.

Many Hugs,

Lisa

Kat I am so sorry to hear this terrible thing my heart and all my love goes out to you.
Kevin

kat,

i really have no words right now to express how i am feeling for you.

you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kat....as you know I have wandered the streets of Toronto looking for my sister......not knowing you were so close...:( I understand...
I spent a week in lock up in the Crisis Unit at St Joes Hospital in Toronto....
yes alot needs to be done and I also have alot to say about this.

Just know my heart goes out to you and I am here for you as always....
Take care

Love,
Sherri

Oh Kat, I am so sorry this is happening. Dealing with someone with mental illness is incredibly challenging because the illness makes them do things which are so unbelieveable that you can't predict what will happen and you can't figure out what to do about it.

I'm sending lots of white light and prayers and hugs your way.

Karen

I am very sorry this happened to you and your family!!!!! Hopefully your sister can get away from this guy ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Kat... what a nightmare.

It's possible that your sister changed her story if her boyfriend has threatened to harm her children. If that is the case, she may be in such a state of distress that she is terrified to the point of thinking this is the only way to keep them safe. If one of them called emergency services then why weren't they listening for the door? The cover story makes no sense to me and does nothing to explain all the meds in her system. Your sister recognised there was a clear danger or she wouldn't have asked you to look after her girls, just two weeks ago.

If he's threatened your nieces, perhaps it would be wise to keep your nieces out of school and not have them stay at any address known to him, at least for the 72 hrs your sister is in care. After that, god, I don't know what you can do.

Here are some resources that might be worth calling for advice:
Toronto Police Services Domestic Violence division
Victim Services Program of TO
Ministry of the Attorney General - mental health capacity assessments

Kat, hang in there and call me if you need a shoulder!

mig

Thanks, Lisa. I do need to know that.

Warm hugs,

Thanks Kevin, that helps more than you know.

Warm hugs,