Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group Depressed and Scared

Hey guys,

I have been debating on whether to post this but I had no where else to turn and from reading all the posts, I know you guys care.

Let me give a little history. I had major depression a few years. The worst part of it lasted for a year. I couldn't work, couldn't even go out of the house to check the mail. No one in my family understood so they stopped communicating with me. All but two of my friends were no where to be found. To make a long story short, I found Jesus and came out of it, for the most part.

Well, something has happened and I feel like I am slipping back into it. It's not the same this time but it is pretty rough. I am now married and have a whole group of "friends" (that's what we will call them just for lack of a better word). My husband is totally clueless about depression as well as everyone else. When I mention that I am depressed they all turn their backs on me. My sister-in-law, which used to be close to me, told me to my face that she couldn't be around me when I was depressed because it brought her down. So you can imagine how I took that.

Several of them know that I am struggling with this but they don't ever call me. They never try to help me. I know it's a hard thing to understand and to deal with but isn't that what friends are for; to help you when you are down?

Well, I could live with being alone and secluded. I could handle never seeing any of them again. But my husband is another story. He wants to go "hang out" with all of them. He wants to do things with other people. But I can't do it. Everytime he even mentioned going to someone's house I have a panic attack and start bawling. So he gets very angry at me for that. He doesn't try to help me with the depression, he just wants me to "get over it".

Well, last night was an especially bad night. Please don't freak out when say this. But I have to get it off my chest. I was so depressed last night that I didn't want to live anymore. I literally felt like my life was hopeless and pointless. I kept trying to be rational and think of the good things in my life but there was nothing. I am not contributing anything to this marriage or to the world. Don't get me wrong I would NEVER try to take my life but the thoughts are too much to handle. I cried for hours until I was numb.

I was on medication before and it seemed to help some but I am afraid to go back to it. I don't want to be dependant on it again. One reason is we might be trying to have a baby soon, which is scary in my position, and I can't be on it while pregnant.

The weird thing is that the depression isn't always that strong. It's only when the "friends" and being social come into the picture. I am fine unil that gets brought up, then I lose it and fall apart. What is wrong with me? Do I have a social phobia? I literally HATE being around people. Even family. I can not even stand the thought of having to socialize with them. Even now just talking about it is making my skin crawl.

I don't know what to do. I just know that it feels better just to get it off my chest. And I knew that you guys would listen to me, unlike many in my life. Thank you for being there. It's a good feeling to know you guys care about strangers like me. Thank you.

Angie



Angie

Angie
Definitely something to see your doc about... Even if they don't give you medication they may be able to get you some counseling... The worst part of this disease can be the depression... Please see someone about this even if only your clergyman... Also keep coming here and getting it off of your chest as sometimes a sympathetic ear is a big help...
Mike

Angie, All the people on this site get depressed,some far worse than others. We all have to find something to be glad about,self help it is called.My husband dropped my "clootie Dumpling " that I was taking along to my mothers,I said leave it I would clear it up when I got back if the birds had left any,when I got back the birds hadnt touched it. My husband said be glad that I hadnt poisoned the family.Be glad, I said that I dont bake very often. There I have got YOU laughing.And I am talking to a complete stranger. At Family gatherings I used to hide in the toilet, lucky we had 2.Try talking things over with somoene,I know its hard when you cant see ahead. take one day at a time.LUV Elspeth.

Hi Angie,

You are correct we care, so I am glad you posted your message.

Sorry to hear about the depression, but I think it is something we all battle with to some extent at one time or another. Life was quite a bit less complicated before AS came along. I have three close family members that have been hospitalized for depression, two of them did not really even know why they were so depressed.

Has your husband been to this sight at all or went with you to the doctors office? I think he needs an appreciation for the pain we experience. Maybe this would help him be more supportive. As others recommend, I think you need to turn to someone for support, a doctor, clergy or someone else. It is difficult to pull out of depression all by yourself.

I have also turned to the Bible for support when times seem real rough, but I have seen that you have already done this. I especially enjoy the books of the Gospel.

Take care and always remember that we do care here at KA,

Tim



"I had no shoes and complained, until I met a man who had no feet" - Indian Proverb

"clootie dumpling'?

not another nickname for haggis is it? I doubt that even Scottish birds would eat that stuff. (just kidding Elspeth)

George

Breb Assyl

Hi Angie,

Please know that you are not alone. A.S. leaves us predisposed to depression. Many people don't understand depression and Christians can be mistaken in assuming that once you are a believer you "shouldn't" be bothered by such problems. We are still living in an imperfect world with struggling bodies. The difference is that we have a hope that this isn't all there is to life. I know that even though I struggle with life here that when I am with Jesus I will be whole again. A perfect body, mind and spirit. Until that time I cling to Him. Even when you can't see the result of your prayers, keep praying it is our lifeline as believers.

I have been on prozac for years. It isn't a magic bullet but it helps. Talk to your doctor because there are antidepressants that you may be able to use while pregnant.

When I am down I read Psalms - take a look at Psalm 42. It addresses depression and gives hope that it to will pass.

Psalm 42:3 My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "where is your God?"
42:5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
42:11 But O my soul, don't be discouraged. Don't be upset. Expect God to act! For I know that I shall again have plenty of reason to praise Him for all that He will do. He is my Help! He is my God!

God bless you and yours,

Kirst

Kirst,

I can't thank you enough for your kind, uplifting words. I will definately read the Psalms. Half of my battle has been with my christian friends. Just like you said, they think that if I take medication for the depression that I am giving up on God's healing. And that's not true. It's the same with AS. I have had such a hard time getting anyone to listen to me because they don't want to believe that I have a disease. I feel like they are looking down on me for acting on it and for talking about it. I know that the Lord can heal me but it's in His timing not mine. I have to deal with it now the best way I know how. So I guess I have given up on help for my depression because I am afraid of what they will say. I am at the point now though that I have to take action.

Thank you for sharing your faith with me. I want to go to my church friends with this because I know I need the councel of the Lord but I know what they will say. They will tell me to press in and things will get better. They will tell me to hang out with people anyway. Regardless of the anxiety attack that comes along with it. Because they don't understand and don't want to understand how painful and scarey this is. Both the depression and the AS. It's good to know that I am not alone.

Thank you again so much.

Angie



Angie

Dear Angie,

Unfortunately, I know what you are going through. I have gone through such a period myself. (After my diagnosis, my relationship went down the tubes. Why carry on?) I have been very close to doing something really stupid.

You are probably feeling like you have so many problems right now that it is impossible to deal with all of them. Bad news, it is impossible to deal with all of them... at once. Force yourself to take things one step at a time. You won't wake up tomorrow as if it was all a bad dream. But if you take a start now, you will one day wake up and be grateful you did.

Take AS one day at a time. Don't worry too much about the future. There is no use. Even doctors can't predict how sick we'll be in a year's time. You can only cope with what you feel today. That way, AS becomes a bit less threatening. It is still there, but it is not this prehistoric monster any more. It does not controll you. It is not what defines you or your life.

I could never have done it alone. I had wonderful people who cared about me, no matter how annoying I was. (I was a total pain in the a**) I wish I had known KA 2 years ago. People here at KA know what you are going through. They'll always listen. No matter what you do, do NOT stop talking to people at KA. They're there for you.

Someone else suggested you should seek medical help. I agree.

I know this post is a bit of a mess. It's hard for me to write an "organised" reply to your post. It is still a bit difficult to talk about it. sorry.

I hope 2003 will give you a break
Nele

There are different degrees of anxiety and depression, and it sounds to me yours depression and anxiety manifest in phobias, such as the year you couldn't go out of the house (agoraphobia), and the panic attacks at the thought of interacting socially (yes, that is a social phobia). The important thing is to GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!!! You're right that your friends can't help you, and neither can your husband really, you don't want your husband to become your therapist, that messes up the whole marital relationship. There is no such thing as dependency on antidepressants. Antidepressants don't even work unless you have a chemical imbalance to begin with, they are not "feel good" pills. If you had diabetes you wouldn't worry about insulin dependency, and if you have a chemical imbalance you shouldn't worry about antidepressant dependency.

You need to get yourself in a better place before you bring a child into the world, children are the world's biggest complicators! They demand a lot and it's tough when you're feeling good, if you are in a depressed and anxious state your job as a mom will be ten times harder. You also would be at higher risk of postpartum depression if you went into the pregnancy depressed.

I don't for a moment think you would actually act on your thoughts, at least not at this time, but suicidal ideation always must be taken seriously!!!! It is a cry for help, and help is what you need. We're here for you, but that's not enough, you need professional help. There is hope for the future, you can and will get past this, but you do need some help and guidance along the way. Is there a counselor or therapist you trust? If so, please give him/her a call.

((((Hugs))))

Cheryl

Sugar Magnolia wishes everyone a Happy New Year!

A sad post Angie.

I find it difficult to understand what depression is like and how it can control your every day life. Sure, like many others, I have had things in my past that left their mark on me but they were things I managed to shove away to some place deep in my mind and they would stay there until something triggered them to reappear. I have lately learned how to stop them from appearing.

I have personally known several people with depression (all of them women)and they have the same problems that you have told us about. Husbands that don't understand and friends that are not "friends enough" to be part of a support team for you. You really need to have people around you who have some idea of what you are going through as your friends and relatives don't seem to.

The advice from others for you to seek some medical help with this problem is good. You can't fight it all by yourself. I know from previous posts over the years, that there are several of our AS family who have also been fighting depression problems and they can give you good advice. I'm sure that many of them will contact you by Personal Message and share some of their experiences.

When you see a Doctor, you may want to ask whether there is a depression support group in your area that you could join. It would allow you to socialize more but better yet, it would be with people who have similar problems.

Also, don't forget that KickAS.org is primarily a support group. You can talk to any of us any time you wish using a personal message and quickly get an answer back. AS is a bad enough problem on its own but coupled with depression, the pain and dispair is more than doubled I'm sure.

I'm glad that you feel comfortable in talking to us and by the way, you aren't a stranger anymore, you've just taken on about 1400 new friends who want to help you.

Take care,

George

Breb Assyl