Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group It's Valentines' Day and this means War

Hi,
Just read through all the replies... Boy do I like this thread, thank you all for that. Like Gimpy said it is possible to find someone honest through writing or the internet, given that you have some writing skills and judgement (I'm quite sure you have that Liz). I found someone in a similar way and though the love affair wasn't very long the friendship was and still exists today to the point that I’m sure I have someone to rely on in the future. Just showing that there are some ways between “the love of your life” and the “absolute nono”.
Liz, you are a very courageous woman, no doubt. Go for the best!
Gerard


True love travels on a gravel road - Nick Lowe -

Hi Liz,....

In the past, I thought it was probably easier for a man with AS to find a woman, since I felt women to be more 'nurturing' by nature. BUT, happily, I found men certainly can be too. I've had AS since 19, so my entire dating life has involved the illness aspect.

I married a man who's mother thought my AS was a big problem and told him NOT to marry me. He married me regardless. As it turns out, I ended up rejecting him! The straw came one evening, when I was in awful pain and frozen, unable to move from the living room couch,... I called him at the end of the work day and asked him to please come home and help me. I NEVER was one to ask for help and this was the only time I ever did. He didn't come home. I had no food, no water, and couldn't even make it 15 steps into the kitchen for pain pills. I was stuck. He came home at 11 that night,... he'd chosen instead to go out to a bar - alone. I'd been there and supported him through the toughest times in his life,...? When AS threw me in hospital for 2 weeks,... he only visited me once, and he brought a pal!!! He cried when I asked for the divorce, and ironically, so did his Mom.

I have never had a lack of men in my life due to AS,... tho some I could have done without. I'm now in a relatively new relationship with a really nice man. Instead of perceiving me as weak and needy,... he sees me as I am - someone strong enough to deal with AS. So far, so good. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that some men just 'get it' and some just don't. Once you've developed a good radar system,... ya just need to use it!

We are all just so much more than our physical selves, as is wonderfully demonstrated in KA everyday!!!

I wish you find a Happy Valentine.

mig

Wow Mig! For a moment there I thought I was reading my history with a failed marriage. I think that is horrible what he put you through. Not everything I lived was like you experienced of course, but a couple key things you said brought back some sad memories. I wish I could tell the whole tale but I might end up in court Haha! I can say this though. Many years after we were divorced my mother revealed something to me. it was a time I needed to hear it so she wasn't trying to hurt me. My mother is a wonderful, loving and strong lady. She actually had a stroke at the age of 49! But that's another story. She told me, that at my wedding rehearsal night no less, my soon to be in-laws were actually telling my parents that they hoped I could keep up with their son as I had this disease and all blah, blah, blah. Man, if I had heard that, I wouldn't have gone through with it! I loved and respected my in-laws but I wasn't surprised to hear that after everything else I had lived. My ex's mother also had a similar conversation with her son prior to our marriage. I guess mother's just worry huh? Hmm. During my whole marriage I always felt like I had to prove I could keep up. I was running as fast as I could but it was never fast enough.
My ex finally left me (twice!) and at the time I thought it was all because of me and my friend AS. Three was a crowd I guess. It wasn't long after I was divorced that I realized that my ex did me the biggest favor. He like your ex was the weak one in my opinion. I soon met someone who didn't see me as a disease. So like you it was possible to find love again. There are some really good guys out there, and your so right about the radar. Even though other things fail me, I'd like to think my radar is clear and strong Good luck with your new man Mig!

peace
Kathy

"The most beautiful stones have been tossed by the wind and washed by the waters and polished to brilliance by life's strongest storms."

Dear Liz,

What an interesting posts .

I wish you good luck and get the greatest love in your life as I wish the same for me, well, to tell the truth, being single is fun but having someone is very nice too .

With or without AS, I think, love should be the answer, we don't know who we will meet and we don't know who will knock in but if someone come and make you shaking a bit then it's all worth the efforts. I am not talking about electrician here .

Life is full of mystery and we might not know the happiness if we are not trying to reach for it.

Best to you and to everybody (single or married) in this Valentine's season.

Sinta

DeeJane, I remember when I first met my boyfriend last August. I was terrified that once I told him about my AS he would flip and run. And I wouldn't have blamed him (much) because it's not easy living with someone who experiences chronic pain that may one day turn completely debilitating.

Well, one day, during a walk in the park, we sat down and I talked to him about it. I told him that when I'm in pain I can be an absolute angry bear. I told him that some days I can barely move for pain, and I told him that other days I barely feel it and all is good. He asked questions, but didn't make suggestions (thank goodness). He just listened. Then he reminded me that he isn't exactly the poster boy for happiness (nasty nasty divorce going on) and took my hand and walked me home.

Since then, he has pushed me to stick to my low starch, wheat free diet. He has started eating rice pasta with me. He has started label checking in the grocery to make sure that there are no wheat or dairy products in the ingredients list. He has even phoned the restaurant he's taking me to for Valentines Day to discuss the menu with the chef to make sure that I can enjoy my special dinner with no fear of pain in the morning.

He massages me when I need it, he holds me when I weep from pain and frustration, and he never tells me that it's going to be all right, even when he knows that those words will make me feel better in the immediate sense, because he knows that those words are a lie. Our lives will be all right, yes, but the AS isn't going to go away and that's fine with him.

We have a few other problems in our relationship that we're trying to work out, but my AS isn't one of them.

Please remember, DeeJane, that not one of us on this earth can claim to be perfect. You will meet a man who knows this and who recognizes the beautiful person you are, and who wants to be with you because of who you are - AS and all. Because he also recognizes that he isn't the ideal human being either.

Hugs,

Kat

Guess I'm a little late in this thread but as they say.... better late than never!!

As George said Bob and I's relationship didn't start out "why someone would do this for someone else" Our relationship started because we enjoyed each other's company and couldn't wait until the next time we were able to "talk" Bob is such a loving, humorous guy I just couldn't resist! He made me laugh, and to me laughter is a big part of life. We have a lot in common in the things we like to do. We feel the same towards certain situations and issues. Basically we are pretty laid back, laugh alot kinda people. And we are compatible. That is all there was to it.

Bob didn't metion his AS the first few times we talked, but then neither did I mention I have a recurring problem with my shoulder which pretty much renders me useless for a few days a couple times a year. After a few weeks of chatting and talking on the phone Bob decided it was time for "the test" First he had a couple of questions that MUST be answered before our relationship could go any further ( I was very aprehensive to say the least! How can you base furthering a realtionsship on just 2 questions??) Question 1) Miracle Whip or Mayo?? and Question 2) Toilet Paper, over or under?? I admit I about fell out of my chair laughing when I read them 2 questions. Bob and I had shared many pictures of each other over the few weeks we were getting to know each other but none of them really showed his fused spine. Then one day he said to me "If this buddah belly don't scare you off nothing will" He sent me a picture that showed more what he looked like because of AS and then explained how it did what it did. No big deal. I figured if he could put up with my dysfunctioanal family I could put up with a little disfigurement! lol

When Bob first decided to move to Michigan from Florida (yeah he is a bit off his rocker going from 80 degrees in the winter to below freezing!!) he told me he would "take care of me" I recall many a time when he was lying in a drug induced coma hanging on to his life by a thread I would lean down and whisper in his ear "Damn you don't die on me you promised to take care of me!!" Well... to this day he does a dang good job of it! He may not be able to go out and work everyday and bring home money but it sure is nice to have hot coffee waiting when I come home from working 8-10 hours out in the cold and snow. Or to have my flannels in the dryer waiting for me to jump into on a cold snowy day. He does dinner every day (Yes, I am VERY SPOILED!) He doesn't even wince when I say we have to get out in the cold and snow to go to my 80 year old father's house to reprogram his VCR because he "doesn't know what to do when the TV don't work!"

Basically WE just do what WE have to do to survive as comfortable as possible. Just as any other couple would if they truly loved each other.The fear should not be the AS, the fear is finding someone who truly loves you for you no matter wether you have AS or not! And take it from us.... when you least expect and maybe even in a strange place you will meet someone who will truly love you. So my advice would be, stop LOOKING, be happy with and enjoy yourself, take a few chances, make new friends, and accept it when it does happen

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Behold the beauty of Orca Art

I just knew that you would be a lot like Dorrit and share the same feelings about the things brought up in this thread. No wonder Bob is smiling all the time.

BTW, in our house, we decided on "Mayo" and the Toilet paper is "Over".

A real pleasure to read your post.
Hugs,
George

Breb Assyl

Liz,
You certainly deserve a life partner if that's what you want. I know there will be someone out there for you. The right person will come along and take you for what you are, "for better or for worse". If he truly loves you, there will be no question, he'll have to take the good with the bad, just as we all do. You just have to find that right someone. I think you're heading in the right direction. If its what you want, then take the initative and go after him. I would think there may even be some single gentlemen in here who may want to apply for the job.
Hope it all works out for you, you deserve to be happy.
Glenn

Hehe...you've been thinking the same way I have, Glenn. I keep thinking that surely one of these days a couple of ASkickers will get together.

Connie

Hi Mike,
Yes, I think the internet is a very good way to do some of this. We can get to know each other a little bit, before having the physical thrown in there and those issues. I 'm looking forward to reading your story. I'll get back to you on that one. I LOVE stories. Sucha great way to support andencourage people. Thanks for all of that.
Liz