Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group Help

Lonnie, thank you.

We're doing all we can for the girls. My sister has asked that Mum find a counsellor for my Elf to talk to. I'm suggesting they find one for my Kitten as well. She's stopped talking altogether the last couple of days. Doing a lot of painting and playing her computer game, talks about every day stuff. Still not talking about this, tho, and that's concerning. Mum is looking out for them right now and my sweetie and I are planning to spend the next few weekends there. Mum needs support, too.

Yah, uncomfortable doesn't come close to describing the right thing in this case. Unfortunately, if we push too hard we run the risk of alienating her altogether. That would be terrible. So, we're being gentle right now.

Agape,

Kat, so sorry to read these emails and know how much of a struggle it is.

Your sister sounds like she is in a good place now. She needs to be able to grasp the reality of what is happening. Her 'reality' isn't the same right now. But it will take time for her to find this reality. She can't be pushed to find it any quicker, though. Hugs to all of you...especially to her girls. So glad to hear they are in a safe place.

Thanks Rumble.

I just spoke with her. Not feeling so optimistic now. She's decided they haven't known her long enough to make any diagnosis and so she's saying she may not continue the med they have her on after she leaves. Just going to do what she has to to get out of there. I tried to encourage her. Suggested that if she didn't trust these doctors, perhaps when she leaves she can get a second diagnosis, with someone she trusts.

Mum indicated to both my sweetie and me that she would like a call from me. Now, I'm not so sure. It was very stilted. I don't know what to expect. I asked if there was anything she wanted, like charcoal pencils. They're already getting her some at the facility. She does beautiful work in charcoal. I didn't know what to say for the most part. I did suggest that I might stop by to visit her. She didn't say not to, which is good.

I'm trying to be supportive, but how do you do that when you don't know what to say? She and I have had a tentatively good relationship at best ... the last couple of years it's been almost non-existant. She wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't come to family holiday celebrations if I was going to be there for 18 months. I wasn't the best sister when we were young by any stretch of the imagination. She and I are going to have to talk that through, if nothing else to the point that I acknowledge this to her and let her know that I feel badly about it. I've done my best to be a good sister for the last 20 years, but I guess that doesn't mean much when you haven't dealt with childhood issues ever in your life.

I'm feeling a little sorry right now, for myself, for her, I think. I'm trying to think of her and what she needs, but have to admit that it's hard when I'm a mess. Wasn't a mess earlier today. Am now.

Anyway. Sorry to go on about it.

Thanks again.

Warm hugs,

Kat,
Hey, where's my girl? It is ok to cry, it is ok to feel a bit sorry. think it through and then realize that by addressing the need to forgive and go on from here; she needs you. The girls need a healthy mom. Do not second guess yourself. I would take your help and sugestions. She has probably been beat down and will need time to think rationally.
You are not wrong in this, there will be other ups and downs. You are thinking correctly, save her from this bum. Maybe Lenny and I should come and talk to him a bit?? Ouch fire and smoke now blowing from my nose!
agape'
Lon
Her need to be loved by him is for now the strongest desire she has, but it is not healthy thinking...

hi kat,

i think just being there for her. don't worry about what to say. i think just knowing that people care about you is enough sometimes.

Quote:

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I just spoke with her. Not feeling so optimistic now. She's decided they haven't known her long enough to make any diagnosis and so she's saying she may not continue the med they have her on after she leaves. Just going to do what she has to to get out of there. I tried to encourage her. Suggested that if she didn't trust these doctors, perhaps when she leaves she can get a second diagnosis, with someone she trusts.

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(Trying to quote your words...don't know if it worked)

Your suggestion that she find someone she trusts is good. She doesn't seem to think there is a problem...not totally unusual in this sort of situation. Maybe go a little further, gently, to urge her to think about who is trustworthy....like offer to help her make an appt, drive her to the appt....you'll sort of have to find the right way of doing this--maybe your mom could help a bit. That would be hearing the same suggestion from 2 people. But the best thing is to let her know she is loved and cared for. Is there any chance of getting a restraining order against the boyfriend? It may be difficult to do this without her cooperation, though.

Oh Kat...first and foremost, I'm so very sorry that you're having to go through this nightmare, I'm so glad that you have your sweetie to hang on to and you aren't having to go through this alone...he's definitely a keeper...this is such a multi-complex problem and it's going to take time, love, support and probably some prfessional counseling for your sister and her girls....you have a lot on your plate honey...I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, please keep us posted and as many have reminded me, take care of yourself, eat, rest and pump the fluids...many hugs...

Lon, you are a treasure. Thank you. Made me think of a fire breathing dragon. Is that what Lenny is? And you ride him to battle the foes and protect damsels in distress?

I understand what she's experiencing with the boyfriend to some extent. We've both tended to choose men who needed our care in some way or other. In this we are following a pattern that runs through the women in our family going back at least 2 generations. I know what it is to love someone dearly, someone who's toxic, but who if I'm good enough can be saved. The tool I have in my arsenal that my sister doesn't is the better part of 20 years of therapy of one kind or other. Mum's tried so hard to get her into therapy, since my dad left when my sister was 11 and she decided she would never cry again. Thing is, she's always been massively intelligent, presented herself calmly and well, and the first session with the therapist would end with the therapist saying she didn't need therapy at all. My mum and I, however, have unabashedly wept and railed in therapy and we've been able to come out the other side healthier. Right now, we're looking at the entire family being in therapy to deal with this. Wouldn't it be ironic if my sister was the only one who wasn't.

And she's not necessarily wrong not to trust this doctor's immediate diagnosis. However, our fear is that she will just let it go and keep living her life the way she has been. Mum and I are going to encourage her to remain in contact with the psychiatrist she consulted last week. Apparently, she liked her, and that may be the therapeutic relationship that helps my sister find out why she's crashed into massive depression at the drop of a hat for her whole life. We're hoping we can talk her into being pro-active in seeking a diagnosis, or at least coping tools to start with.

Mum has an appointment with her own psychologist next week, and she's going to see if he can help her find counsellors for both the girls. The girls are going back to school next week, so Mum has spoken to their principals, vice principals and my Elf's teacher. They've all agreed to be there for the girls if they need to talk and there's a guidance counsellor at my Kitten's school that she can go to as well.

As it stands, the boyfriend is going to be around for a while yet, until my sister can see as clearly as she was two weeks ago about him. We're all keeping our fingers crossed on this.

Agape,

You're right, Sue. It can be enough sometimes. I told Mum this morning how awkward it felt. She felt the same thing and figures that it's probably normal given the circumstances.

I was so sad last night. My sweetie feared I was blaming myself somehow and had a long talk with me to give me perspective. I don't blame myself. I have no control over this and while our childhood has created some issues with my sister, I also know that this is not what put her where she is today (physically and emotionally, I mean). It all just makes me so damned sad. He reminded me that she's alive and suggested I focus on that when things get bad. This is a chance for a new beginning in her life, in our relationship. He's right. This morning it's easier. We'll see what tonight brings.

Warm hugs,

Hey Rumble, you quoted just fine.

I wish we could get a restraining order, but we cannot without her cooperation. That's not going to happen right now.

Mum took my sister to a psychiatrist last week for some counselling and is willing to keep taking her as long as is necessary. We're hoping we can talk my sister into continuing with this doctor, as she liked her and there's a chance for trust there. I'm pretty sure she knows there's a problem, it's the diagnosis in 2 days from a doctor she's just met that she doesn't feel comfortable with. That and the meds, which flatline her emotions and she does not like that in the slightest.

Warm hugs,