Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group Help

Michelle, my sweetie has been wonderful. We are his family now and he's feeling almost as hurt and angry as the rest of us. And very protective. He lets me cry when I need to, holds me when I need it, listens when I need it. Sometimes I forget that it's not just Mum, the girls and me who are hurting. My sweetie and stepdad are, too. So, I'm trying to make sure they know I'm aware.

I'm trying to take care of myself, make sure I eat and all. Food is pretty much sawdust right now. I go from being OK, to not OK pretty quickly. Never despondent. Just sad. You take care of you, too, OK?

Warm hugs,

Kat,

I wasn't going to reply in any way because it feels like all my responses would be inappropriate.

I'm am so sorry for you and your family.

I have a cousin who I do ot see very much of but his brother died recently so the family got to see him again. He is schizophrenic. all in all he's probably not a bad soul but he has had very bad moments. I say this so as not to sound like I am unempathetic to your sister's boyfriend and his problems, because in all candor I am.

I would in any way possible let this very dangerous human being know that my entire family and friends are now involved. I woud hope and believe I woudl be able to enlist four or five of my largest friiends or famly members to visit him. This sounds like a Bruno bit but its not. I think a guy like that needs to see that there will be consewuences to pay if your sister as mcuh as bruises her knee in his presence ever again. He's a predator who I woudl want to be kept ncomfortable. I would care less if my sister was upset at me or not. I would visit this guy with some frequency with a friend or tow a t all times and remind him we are involved. I would want him scared.

I would sent letters to any local authorities inquiring if they wish to pursue the matter against him, knowing full wellthat not much is going to come of it BUT I would send them with proof of mailing. Whenever something like that goes into a file somewhere, some bureacrat who is in CYA mode is going to be a little more nervous about just turning a blind eye to a volatile situation. I would send more than one letter to each place I thought appropriate. Just so no one could say they were not aware of the dnagers.

Forgive me if I sound ignorant. It just that reading your post bothered me immensely. This guy beleives he's slipping between the cracks fo the system and is banking on everyone going away. I sure as heck would want him knowing I and whatever allies I can gather are not going away and I bet in time he leaves your sister and finds another soft touch to take advantage of. One where he is not getting so much interference and the inference of retaliation.

Forgive me if I'm boorish or off base. Just worried from seeing far too many bad folks get to hurt well intentioned souls like your sister and your lovely young neices.

Best wishes.

Hi Kat.
I just wanted to add that I agree with every thing Steve has just said he has to know he is being watched by as many people as possible.
Kevin

Bravo

Hey, Kat:

I have to somewhat echo Steve's post.

In fact my brother is a paranoid schizophrenic and although it is impossible to understand how their minds function, they can sometimes be disincentivized when they are finally affiliated with potential consequences.

The problem really is that Your sister needs to get away from this guy once and for all because this disease too often has a bad ending that should not include her. She needs to be de-programmed from him. There should be some counseling available to her so that she can understand that her boyfriend is no longer the same person she once loved, and he can hurt her unless she takes the initiative to put enough distance between herself and him. Check women's shelters for professional counseling references and they will show her what she can do for herself.

This is a constant worry for You that You do not need, and Your sister needs specific help that most of us are not able to provide. I wish You and Your family all the best,
John

Steve, this is neither inappropriate, nor boorish. My sweetie is of the same mind. Problem is that right now, she's convinced she needs him. When she's a little more removed and had more counselling, we'll address it with her.

In the meantime, I am in the process of trying to get the facts as we know them in some kind of order. I've been researching whom in our government is the best person to start with. I figure the Attorney General and Minister of Health, with cc's to the Premier, the ex Minister of Health and Deputy Premier (those last are one and the same person). Mum and I have made sure that anyone in authority of any kind who's been involved knows the boyfriend's history (including the doctors at the facility my sister is at (where, coincidentally, the boyfriend has also been in treatment in the past - found that out from the police) and the fact that he's just been deemed mentally incapable of governing his own treatment, and that he's appealing and out of hospital pending that appeal. The police told my sweetie that they have a file on him going back at least 18 months in that district, because of all his calls to them prompted by his paranoid delusions. They are also aware of my sister's involvement and that she's protecting him right now. The officer my sweetie and stepdad spoke to out and out stated that he must be got away from her, but unfortunately, she has to be the one to do it. They have no legal grounds.

I'm also trying to get the official police and EMS reports. The police were very clear about what happened, but since my sister has fallen for her boyfriend's take on how the police are lying (part of his paranoid delusions - they are against him because they didn't go out and arrest the people he's convinced have been following him - there's no-one to arrest, because they don't exist, but he doesn't believe them) I want evidence from the EMS people.

In the meantime, my sweetie wants to be Bruno (or Lenny). We all feel the same way, but we fear it would do my sister harm right now. She's convinced he saved her life and he is now her hero. He knows how Mum, the girls and I feel by the way. You should have seen the looks and stony silence he got from us at the hospital and then at her house afterward. The women in our family have a look that's passed (I swear it's genetic) from generation to generation. We're all born able to do it and it leaves no question as to what we think when we use it. He got it from all four of us last Sunday and my sweetie would not allow him access to the house while the girls, Mum and I were in it.

Steve, you said what needed to be said. You said what we've all been feeling. I treasure that. Kevin and Allan, I'm with you. And I so appreciate you backing Steve up on this. You are all simply being the good friends you are.

Everyone here is. You have no idea how grateful I am.

Love and hugs,

John, I am so sorry that you have had to live with this too, in your family (and Steve, I forgot to mention this when I responded to you). You hear about paranoid schizophrenia, but it's impossible to know what it really is until you experience it. My sister asked that I check out Dr. Xavier Amador to get some understanding of it and what she's been dealing with since the boyfriend came into her life.

The police officer at the hospital gave us a card for family crisis support services. They do everything from getting you groceries, to feeding your cats, to counselling during crisis. Unfortunately, the women's shelters in the area leave something to be desired. The nurses at the hospital told Mum that if my sister called a shelter, make sure she talked to one of the women there, not one of the male volunteers who, apparently, don't get it. No disrespect to men in general, just to the ones the nurse was talking about.

The idea of deprogramming has also been raised, along the lines of an intervention (word used by the officer my sweetie and stepdad talked to). My sweetie has offered to look into this for the family. Mum isn't ready to go that route yet. I'd hate to think something this drastic would be required, as my sister is highly intelligent and generally pretty level-headed. At least, she's always seemed to be pretty level-headed, which has got in the way of her getting therapy on the occasions when she's gone for some as the therapists all tell her she doesn't need help. At least they won't be sloughing her off quite so easily anymore.

Luckily, she liked the psychiatrist she saw last week, so we're hoping that she will continue going when she gets out of the facility. This one took her seriously, probably because she was hardly able to talk for crying when she got there.

We knew the boyfriend had something, which we thought was bi-polar, but other than seeming a bit out of it now and then, and guzzling alcohol on occasion (I mean a 26er of scotch in about an hour and a half at his birthday last year), we really had no idea how serious it was. He generally has seemed OK and obviously in love with my sister. He makes her laugh and feel attractive, which she hasn't felt in years, and they talk all the time. He's supported her in some rough periods and shares her passions. We all kind of hoped that it would be good. How wrong we were. And there have been signs this past year that she does see him pretty clearly, including asking us not to fill his wine glass when he wanted more, but to only give him a bit. Frankly, Mum's taken to hiding the wine when he's around. When she called me two weeks ago, she was clear on one thing, he would not be coming back and she hoped he would be in hospital for a long time so he could get the treatment he needs. I have to wonder how many times he's threatened to kill himself since they met, as I'm relatively certain that's one thing she couldn't bear to live with.

Thank you, too, for being frank with me, John. All of you here at KA have no idea how much I appreciate you all.

Warm hugs,

Kat, oh my God, I'm so sorry! What an absolute trauma, nightmare--! Please take really good care of yourself. Don't get sick!
Find out as much as you can about the laws where you live regarding child protection services and domestic violence. If there are under age children living in the home with domestic violence going on, then the pressure of the kids possibly being taken into custody can at times galvanize the mom to leave the boyfriend who is abusive, so that she can keep her children. Find out all you can about the laws regarding hospitalizing people with mental illness. If there is evidence someone is a possible threat to another, he can be hospitalized in a psych unit against his will. Sometimes this can help get someone away from the person he may harm, get him somewhat stabilized on medication. These are just my suggestions from working in the past in the mental health system in the U.S. You may as a family have more power than you all realize, if you can keep in touch with the children, keep getting information, and keep communication open with law enforcement.
I'm so sorry, I can completely imagine how'd I feel in your shoes. My thoughts are with you. xoxo
Jan

P.S. Inanna, I just read about the whole alcohol aspect. He is an addict too?! I know this is quite common, and suggest that you and your family learn all you can about "dual diagnosis" including getting support by going to Al Anon meetings, which will help you with possibly conducting an intervention at some point. I know some people would find this very different, and would not want to attend these meeting, but they can help people without addictions truly understand the nature of this disease and how it is influencing your sister. I hate to think of those young girls growing up under the shadow of mental illness and alcohol addiction.
Best of all wishes for healing and hope!
Jan

Aw Kat, I can only imagine that this all must be so incredibly stressful and overwhelming for you to try to think and wade through, about what may or may not be truly helpful for your sis right now.

I tend to agree too with everyone... maybe your sweetie and stepdad and two of their good friends, could just 'happen' to stop by on their way to somewhere and visit the boyfriend to 'offer their help' in assisting him to leave the country. Since your sister herself gave this as the reason for his visit that day, it is simply an offer to help him. If they happen to look intimidating and involved, well, it's not their fault they are big guys, right?

The odd phone call and overheard arguing by your niece's friend - keep this in mind. No matter how much he loves her, clearly he is a genuinely and extremely ill man in need of professional treatment; there is no escaping the fact that his influence and presence in her life is a danger. He is not bringing out the best in her certainly and she needs to face the fact that, as much as she might like to, she is simply NOT strong enough to act as his saviour.

I really know nothing about interventions but I am sure one of these crisis counselling places could help provide you with some professional information and guidance. I appreciate that your family does not want to do the wrong thing or take a wrong step right now... but I would not rule this out too quickly if this was recommended.

Oh, and I would copy your letters to the Chief of Staff of any hospital that was involved in his release!


Kat my thoughts are with you.
Love and hugs!
mig