Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group Help

Hi Jan, thank you so much.

The problem is that as the law works here, he cannot be committed against his will without a hearing. Which, by the way, has occurred. That was 2 weeks ago, and they found him mentally unable to govern his own treatment (I don't know what the official designation is). Thing is that he's appealing the ruling and whether or not he's held in hospital until the appeal completely depends on the facility where the tribunal occurred. Because it occurred in a Toronto hospital, where the beds are far too scarce, he was allowed to leave last Thursday on his own recognisance. Even if he is put in a facility longterm, he will be allowed to leave again as soon as he convinces his doctors that he's better and is willing to take his meds. His father has been through this with him numerous times over the past 30 years. Each time they hold a hearing, the boyfriend appeals. Each time he is committed for treatment, he gets let out for towing the line and goes off his meds again.

It's an awful system that absolutely must be changed. I can see allowing someone to leave once or twice, but if they are repeatedly going off their meds and being put back in the system, you'd think a bell would go off somewhere.

We are protecting the girls at the moment and are hoping we can get through to my sister once she's out of the facility. We don't know what else to do. Legally, we have no recourse.

Warm hugs,

Dear sweet Kat,

My heart aches for you and your family. I am soooo glad, tho, that you do have a close family to share this heavy burden. My heart goes out to those wonderful girls too. We always try to protect our children from ugliness, but hopefully with the love and constance from the family, they will open up, try to understand, and heal.

Love to you and your precious family! May God bless and keep your sister close!

Kat,
I would move toward your sister with a firm hand, let her know that you will see about getting her kids if she doe snotleave this man.. The problem in your family is her thinking, not his. Until they are married/ or by law connected, dump the rat, and let her know now is the time to get well for her own sake.
Personally I would make no threats, or make a written statement, unless of course you want to be connected to him for years. What ever is written is a matter of the court and is evidence you name is then public. I have gone through that andit is not fun to give such tesitmony, expecially if she is not ready. Treat her, avoid him. I would not wiat until she is well, sounds like she will just have more itme to get more attached.
I know I am a lone wolf, but i would have nothing to do with him. He will kill her next time. Just put the pressure on her..
The more time you give her to get well, the more she will pull away from what is normal..
Ah, what the heck do I know. I do love ya, I know you are trying. If I were there, make no threats, but indeed step on his feet ...
His illness may be permanent, but it sounds like she is rational. Deal with her. Come on tiger, lead her to safer ground, you can do this. Fight for her and those kids! Sometimes we are dealing with a power that may be unknown to us, so empty yourself of all averace and malice before trying to talk to him, ok?

Hi Kat,

Oh hon, this is just horrible. I'm too darn tired to offer any real coherent thoughts right now (recovering well from my pneumonia, but still tired all the time and sleeping more than normal), so all I can really add here is that I am SO sorry to hear how this is ripping your family apart and SO sorry that your sister finds herself in this awful position. Yes, she seems to be defending him now, but from the way you've described this, it's easy to tell that she is a totally innocent victim in all this who is being manipulated by this man because she still can't make herself love him any less (all, as you said, because she thinks she can save him, I'm sure). Before I married my ex, I had almost zero exposure to the mental health systems in Michigan and Ontario, so when she started having some very bad problems, I went through some of the same shock and dismay you are going through as I saw more and more of these facilities from the inside and as I learned what the laws would and would not allow me to do. All I can say is that with the exception of two hospitals--one in Michigan and one in Chatham--everything I saw having to do with mental health at the hospital level was a disgrace, period. At a time when your family is desperate to find someone who is willing to help you and your sister, I have no doubt that you feel as if you were running into one brick wall after another.

I might have a few ideas of things you can do that might help your sister see things more clearly, or might help with the courts if you are seeking injunctions or restraining orders against him at some point, but I just can't bring my thoughts together in a coherent enough manner right now to discuss them. After I get some sleep, I will come back here and add some additional thoughts Kat, I promise. Until then, all I can add is that you and your family, especially your sister and her girls, are very much in my thoughts and prayers today.

Know that everyone here loves you very much and that we are here to support you in any way we can. Many of us are within a few hours of you in Toronto, Kat, so don't hesitate to call out for help if there is anything we can do.

Brad

Oh Kat, what a painful mess. I am so sorry for your sister. I really don't have any advice. This is so beyond me. I just know if it were my baby sister, I would be doing everything I could to get him out of her life. There just comes a time when you don't have any control when they reach certain age.

One thought I have is "getting custody of your niece and holding that over her head that as long as she is involved with that man that you will fight her for custody of her daughter" That worked for some friends of ours and their daughter is a completely different person and has since married a great guy and is making a good home for her daughter. Just sharing that one for what it is worth.

Just know that I am thinking of you and will be praying for you.

Love you dear friend.
Possi

Hi Kath,

Sorry to learn what is happening with the family. Hopefully all turns out for the best.

Tim

Thank you for that.

Warm hugs,

Hi Lon, my sweetie and I are going back up to Mum's tomorrow morning. The girls will be with their dad, so we adults can talk about all of this. One of the things that my sweetie and I are going to raise is the idea of keeping the girls out of that house as long as he is there. They have a loving father, who would no doubt take them until then, or they can probably stay with my Mum, so they can stay in their schools.

My sweetie and I had a long talk about all of this last night. His fear is that next time, my sister won't survive. His biggest fear is that none of them will survive. He has a visceral gut response to the boyfriend. Has had since the first time they met. Sets his teeth on edge.

I cannot get away from the 'coincidence' that 3 weeks ago my sister was firm about the fact that he was not coming back, 2 weeks ago he had my sister removed from the tribunal and said he never wanted to see her again, one week ago, he got out of hospital. Two days later, she tries to kill herself??? All kinds of suspicions are running through my brain.

I fear it's too soon to be pushing her on this. Don't want to lose her altogether. Afraid if we don't push, she won't survive.

Thank you for the warning about avarice and malice. I know we cannot act from anger or hatred. That never comes out well.

Agape,

Hi Kat,

I am saddened to hear the horrific time you are having. I had one thought. You said your sister doesn't really listen to you. Does she have a close friend that she trusts? Maybe someone more neutral than you or your Mom could get through to her.
Laurie

Oh Brad, thank you. Any suggestions you have will be appreciated.

This is all so alien to me. I'm still grappling with how someone can be diagnosed with an illness that makes him a danger to himself, and possibly others, and be allowed to walk around without treatment. Now, trying to get a handle on how my sister could not see the danger he presents in her life. It's all just so wrong.

It's good to know that there are people ready to jump in if I need them. You all have no idea how much I appreciate it.

Warm hugs,