Ray, I know exactly how you feel. We are brought up in such a testosterone driven environment, that showing our feelings just doesn't feel natural. I havn't cried so much in my life as I have in the last 2 years. I remember after my first surgery in Sept '00, about day 30 of my 70 day hospital stay, my GP came by for a visit. I was returning from another test to my room when my gut started pouring out through a fistula in my gut. My GP just showed up and I started to lose it, wanting my nightmare to end. I cried like I never did before, and I felt utterly strange, in a different world than the one I was accustomed to. I was holding a towel over my belly, trying to sit up on the gurney, embarrassed at the mess I was creating with fluid pouring everywhere. I was stiff as a board as I was not on any medication for my AS, and all the while hoping it was all a bad dream.
My second big cry was in Nov '00 when there appeared to be no end in sight of my plight. I called my dad on my cell and begged for him to help me stop the nightmare. It is the first time ever that I heard my dad cry. I was balling so hard I couldn't drive for a half hour afterwards. I was in the parking lot of my surgeons office, and he couldn't give me any answers. I am typing this through tears now as the memories come flooding back.
It is now quite common for me to start shedding tears for no apparent reason as of late. Watching tv or reading anothers post, and things just start. I feel that sometimes I've lost control, that my life has been stolen from me, and I'll never get it back. But I still fight the courageous fight, put on a strong front around family and friends and try desperately to believe that I will get my life back. The pain and anguish we all feel will only make us that much stronger. All we have now, is the belief that tomorrow will be better, and by the power from within me, dammit, one way or another, tomorrow I will be one day closer to my goal. My goal is to share my driving experiences with others to make them a better professional driver, to make our highways safe, and to bring back the respect and high regard that truckers once had. I will prevail, and so to will you my friend.
Through pain we will fight the honourable fight, and we will survive. We have too, for so many others depend upon us to help them, as they have helped us.
One brick at a time, the wall will fall........................
Doug
Buster & Alisha taking a break
