I know it, I've been in a really foul mood for the past few months. I've been angry and ill-tempered with friends, both online and off. I'm sorry, but I'm just afraid that all this physical pain is starting to really get the best of me mentally. I'm so afraid of being unable to do things for myself in the future. For those who right now are saying 'I feel the same way,' I just want to add this. It makes facing the future (already iffy at best because of AS) so much more daunting a task when you know you will be as utterly alone as I know I will be. I have had such a horrible record with romance that I have forsaken it now and forever, period, end of story. So there WILL NOT be a Mrs. PIDA to help me out. My rock is and has been my Mother, but she turned 70 this year... really makes me stop and think how soon I could be facing this aloneness. She's pretty much it. When she is gone I will have nobody, NOBODY. Then I have days like yesterday, when I was trying to just do normal work that I used to take for granted. I was trying to install a new starter on my truck, and the pain was so unbearable that it took me six hours to do what would normally maybe take 45 minutes. What happens when the pain is so unbearable that I can't do even easier tasks, like fix something to eat or even drive... and I'm ALONE... will I just starve? Maybe you're saying I shouldn't be so pessimistic, and maybe I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I don't want to end up in a nursing home when I'm 45 or 50... and I don't intend to. I will terminate this so called life before that ever happens. So please forgive me for being hateful or rude or whatever, but I do have a lot on my mind right now, and very little of it is good.
Johnny
