I hear the loneliness in your voice. I think that kind of pain is worse in many ways than the AS pain. I remember being single and I remember that it was NOT fun. I would come home from work, where I felt great, and then felt awful, stepping into my home where there was no-one to greet me, no-one to share my day with, and no-one to eat my supper with. I used to wish that I could just fold myself up and put myself away on a shelf until it was time to go to work again. I too began to think I would never meet the right man for me, and really was getting tired of the bar scene where most of the singles my age hung out, and being "fixed up" by friends. My friends were very important to me, and at least I had them who I could call up and ask over to supper or to tag along to a movie with me.
I was pleasantly surprised when at 26 I met Bill. I had given up hope of finding someone I could share my life with. I didn't think when I met him that we would have a future. I rented a room out to another single woman, Chrissie. I was dating Dave (shortlived, mismatch of the century) and Chrissie was going out with Bill. Bill and I just celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary. We became friends first, and then after we respectively broke up with Dave and Chrissie, and a few months later we started seeing each other. Chrissie was unhappy, but I knew that Bill could be the love of my life and I was not about to pass up that chance for anything. Chrissie came around and was my maid of honour at our wedding.
You never know when you will meet that person. It is usually when you are not looking that you find him or her.
There is someone for everyone, of that I am sure. I can't believe some of the scumbags I see in prison who find a woman. One man killed his last wife, and even he has found a second wife!! She must be a brave woman. I think that would scare me off more than AS. I have seen abusive men, junkies, sex offenders, schizophrenics, psychotics, psychopaths, men with criminal histories as long as your arm and a string of ex's and children trailing behind them who manage to find someone.
Despite your AS you will find someone. That someone will see past the AS to the wonderful man you are. From your photo I would say that you are pretty good looking too, if you don't mind me saying so. I'll bet that your future someone is probably feeling the same despair that you are right now, wondering if she'll ever find you.
Have faith, little brother. She will find you when you are least expecting it.
Val.
